Different

1.

I have to keep my mouth from falling wide open as I exit the car and set eyes on the large premises and the huge main building of Central Seattle University. It's even more impressive than on the brochures I have spent hours looking at. I have felt the same amount of anxiety and excitement about today for such a long time, and I can't believe that the moment is finally here. I went through many sleepless nights, trying to figure out if I was ever going to make it, but here I am. I know that I have done many things wrong in terms of my panic disorder, by simply avoiding all of the situations that scare me. The reason why I am as proud as ever to be just standing here with my packed bags in my mom's car. 

"Honey, are you ready?" she asks me while unloading my last bag, pulling me out of my trance.

I take a big breath. 

"You know the answer, but I'm glad that you're here with me" I say half-smiling at her, to convince the both of us that I am fine and that I can do this. 

"Come on then, I'll bring you to your dorm" she answers, touching my arm softly to encourage me.

Just like me, she grabs some of my bags and we're on our way to find the room I'm going to spend the next three years of Uni in. Usually I would have never moved out from home, but in my condition, as I like to call it, I knew I wouldn't be able to make the thirty minute trip by my own every day. So, staying on campus is my only option, when I don't want to worry about my commute constantly.

After a lot of searching and asking random people for the right way, we finally find my dorm room. at the very end of a long, grey hallway. I grab the key that was handed out to me to unlock the door with slightly shaky hands. My eyes fall onto a small, empty room, with two single beds on each side and a window in the middle. A typical dorm room, what a surprise. The view from the window onto a green field where many people are lounging around in the sun with books or a football gives me slight comfort. 

"This is cozy" mom says as we enter, trying to encourage me once again. 

She is the most loving, sensitive person I have ever known. She always gives me strength in situations that I need a little extra, and is the strongest woman I know. I give her an unbelieving smile, as I start to unload some of my bags to make this place feel a little more at home. Naturally, mom starts to unpack with me, but I decide that it's best to stop her.

"Mom, let me. It will give me something to do. You've already done enough for me" I say and grab my things out of her hands, signaling her to go.

I want to rip the band-aid off and get the worst part over with. Being alone in a new place, a scary thought for me.

"Fine. Will you be alright here on your own?" she asks me worried. 

My heart breaks, because I know that she does this a lot, worry about me.

"Yes, of course" I lie straight into her face.

I know I'm going to be miserable as soon as she steps out of that door. A strange fear in me arises, that something terrible could happen to me with no one there to help. My only hope is my roommate, and I instantly hope they will arrive soon.

"Okay, but if you need anything..." mom starts.

"I know, you're only a call away. Go mom. I love you" I interrupt her.

I feel like I will have to push her out of the door myself if she won't go soon.

"I love you too. Call me, okay?" she demands with one big, last hug. 

Then, she finally leaves. As soon as the door closes behind her, I feel my heart sink, but a little relief at the same time. This is the moment I have been dreading the most, and now, at least it's finally over. I take another deep breath and distract myself with unpacking the rest of my things after putting on some loud music. I start with hanging up pictures on the wall next to my bed. Next, I open my other bags and place the content into the wardrobe neatly, all while distracting myself from horrible thoughts scattering through my mind.

Once my last box is unpacked and stored away, I look at the time to see that it's only five in the afternoon. I have to wonder how I managed to get everything done so fast, and feel a burn in the pit of my stomach right away. I thought by the time I would be done, it would be time to go to bed already. Wanting to rid myself of the anxiety, I decide it's best to get out of this room for a while. A little walk and the fresh air might calm my nerves. The plan for tomorrow is to explore the campus, to see where the buildings and rooms from my seminars are. For now, I want to clear my head and take a look at the place I'm going to spend the next three years of my life in. Maybe I'll even grab something to eat on the way back. 

I put on the jacket that's laying around on my bed, and my white sneakers too. I take my purse and leave the empty dorm room behind, but not before placing headphones in my ears. Once I close the door, I feel small and lost right away. The dorm is hectic, with many freshmen like me wandering around, trying to find the right way. At least I won't feel too lonely here. 

I have nowhere to go and no sense of direction what so ever. I decide to take a left turn, leave the building and just walk wherever my feet lead me. I quickly reach campus and see that it's even more packed with people saying goodbye to their families for now. Then there are people that have been here for years, I can tell the them apart right away. They're meeting their friends after summer break, probably catching up on all the gossip from back home and planning parties for the new year. Uni is so cliché in my eyes, way worse than high school. You look at a group of people and can immediately tell what their major is. I see a few law students burying their noses in their books, a few jocks throwing around a football and a group of expensive looking girls, probably business students. Obviously these are just assumptions, but I know I must have gotten some of them right.

I continue my stroll, when I suddenly remember that there is supposed to be a nice little park nearby. I saw it in some of the brochures CSU sent me along with my acceptance letter. Maybe it isn't as crowded over there as it is here on campus. I pull my phone out of my pocket to find my way. After a five minute walk, I see a giant, beautiful pond with a dirt road leading around it. The park is pretty much empty, just perfect. I know I hate being alone, but too many people at once can be overwhelming too, especially when my mind is all over the place.

Breathing in the fresh air, I take in the beautiful, quiet scenery. Who knew that this big city had such beautiful, green spots. I think this is going to become my happy place here at CSU. Slowly I start walking through the park, trying to forget my worries and the dark feeling inside of my stomach. I'm here, at Uni. This is a good thing, and I don't want to fall apart on my first day already. 

I'm halfway around the pond, when I finally manage to push the bad thoughts away. The music in my ears is loud, but talking even louder than the song playing distracts me, bringing me back into reality. I notice a bench in the distance, and a group of four guys sitting on and standing around it. I immediately turn my music down and squint my eyes slightly to get a better look. I see that they're covered in tattoos, and that all of them are wearing dark clothes. I freeze right away, not liking how somewhat dangerous they look. The bench is really close to the path I am walking on, and I contemplate on simply turning around to avoid them.

When one of them locks eyes with me, I know it's too late to do just that. His eyes don't leave mine for a while. I look at him, and the first thing I notice are his beautiful, brown eyes.

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