[COMPLETED] Mila Wilson is quiet, anxious and a little bit of a mess. When she finally starts college despite her mental health issues, she meets the dark, mysterious, yet intriguing Jace Evans, who is covered in tattoos and the most beautiful boy s...
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Monday. Exam 1. Communications Breathe in. Breathe out. These are my only two thoughts when I walk into the seminar. My legs are shaking slightly, I'm trying to hold onto my backpack as tight as possible. Students are seated throughout the room, always leaving enough space between them so no one can cheat. My professor is right at the back, organising his papers for our exam. I'm very close to turning around and screwing all of this, but I know that I shouldn't. It would only make it harder next time.
I feel a great amount of relief when Bree stumbles through the door behind me. Knowing she's here too gives me comfort. I'll have a person to rely on, in case anything happens to me. "You got this. I'm here" she whispers towards me, placing her hand on my arm before taking a seat in a chair.
"Thank you. Good luck" I mouth towards her, seating myself in the closest seat to her. As the professor hands out the papers, I review the whole learning material in my head. I hope I won't have a blackout. I hope I'll remember everything I have to know. I hope I'll be okay, and most importantly; I hope I'll pass this exam.
The thoughts are making my head spin and I feel like I have to hold on to the table in order not to fall off of this chair. Quickly catching myself, I try to breathe as calm as possible. I look to Bree for reassurance and immediately feel better when I see her already smiling at me. The worry for me is visible in her eyes, and I feel stupid for acting this way.
Trying to pull myself together, I'm relieved when it's finally time to turn the papers around and to start the exam. I scan the paper quickly and smile to myself when I know the answer to almost every question. Alright Mila, get this done as quickly as you can, so you can get out of here. I tick all the boxes with my assumed right answer and feel even more relief when I get to the bottom. I fully zoned out for the fourty five minutes it took me to do that.
Lifting my head, I see that only a few students have handed in their paper. I catch a quick glimpse of Bree and see her laying down her pen, just like me. We get up at the same time, give the professor our exam, and leave the room quietly. I'm happy I got through the first exam without any big problems, but my next one tomorrow is already making the dark feeling in my stomach return. I ask Jace to distract me a second time that night. It works.
Tuesday. Exam 2. Online Marketing. I'm all by myself today. Bree isn't in this class. Just the thought of that is making my heart race, and I try not to focus on it too much. You were fine yesterday, why should today be any different?
I follow the same procedure as yesterday and take a seat in a chair close to the exit. Just in case. My leg starts bouncing and I'm glad when the professor tells us to turn around our papers. This exam isn't a multiple choice like yesterday, we actually have to give full written out answers. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe I can focus on this final even better then. I know all the answers and mainly struggle with finding a good wording, to not make it seem too memorised.
There are ten questions in total and I arrive at question number eight when I feel like falling off this chair any second. Shit. Why now? Everything was fine until now. My breathing hitches and I know that my panic is back. My legs starts bouncing up and down right away. I try to focus on the next question. What is the difference between Search Engine Optimization and Search Engine Advertising? I read. I know this, this is easy. Trying to write the answer, my hand starts shaking. All the alarm clocks in my head are going off. The dizziness kicks in, my throat feels tight and I know I have to get out of here.
I drop the pen and shoot up from my chair. Almost racing to the front, I hand in my final without thinking twice. I return to my table, grab my stuff and leave the seminar room. Arriving outside, I place my hands on my knees to catch my breath. I start to feel better slowly and regret leaving that room immediately. I couldn't answer the last two questions. I worry right away that I got the rest of them right, so I'll pass this exam. Here comes the overthinking. I can already feel it.
Friday. Exam 3. Journalism. Some could say a few days before the next exam are nice. I disagree. I wasn't able to push my anxiety aside for even one of those days. Going to this exam today makes me especially nervous, since I had to walk out at the end of the last one. I need to ace this today, there's no way I can possibly fail two exams.
My usual ritual is taking a big breath before I walk into the room, so that's exactly what I do. Walking in, I spot Melinda, a girl I met during this class. She's one of the types of person I love chatting with before class, but we would never meet up just the two of us. I guess you could say we're seminar-buddies only, not more than that. Quickly waving at her, I take a seat close to here. Her being here doesn't necessarily help my anxiety. She's not Bree, but at least I know someone. This time I didn't get here early, but with only two minutes to spare. I hate waiting, it only encourages my anxiety.
Already thinking about the panic I'll probably experience again, I'm happy when the professor tells us to turn our papers around. My throat feels slightly tight already and I know I have to focus on the questions quickly, or I'll fall apart. I read sentence after sentence and scribble down my knowledge as fast as I can, not caring about the wording at all. I'm able to focus and forget about my panic symptoms slightly, but not completely. You're fine. Everything's okay. It's just the panic. I tell myself these words over and over again and for the first time ever, they seem to help. Maybe it's the combination of the words and focussing on the questions.
After about an hour, I'm finally finished and I drop my pen onto the table. My throat loosens its grip on me and I feel a big wave of relief. I get up from my chair and turn my paper in at the front of the class. Happily, I grab my stuff and leave the seminar room. Big breaths, Mila. Your first college finals are over.
A smile creeps up onto my face. I'm free, at least for now. And even though the finals were hard on me mentally, I can say that I did it. That was just the motivation I needed for my first semester. Let's just hope I didn't fail.
