Different

Prologue.

Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Love. Four simple emotions a human being is able to feel. A mix of ups and downs that can occur in a lifetime. But for me, they've never come in balance. I feel too much, too deeply. When I'm happy, I'm soaring. When I'm sad, I'm drowning. And as I've grown older, those feelings have shifted. Now, they've twisted into something darker. Anxiety. Fear. Panic. It's like all the emotions in me have turned against me, until they're all I can feel. 

Happiness is what you're supposed to feel when you get accepted into your dream university. Not me. The day I opened my acceptance letter from Central Seattle University, my heart didn't swell with excitement - it pounded with dread. My hands trembled slightly around the letter. That familiar weight of anxiety settled over me like a storm cloud. 

Sadness. Why? Because the anxiety, the fear, the endless "what ifs" swallowed me whole. I couldn't stop imagining every way this could go wrong. Every humiliating, terrifying moment waiting for me. Every panic attack I might have in every possible situation. I cried before I even set foot on campus. 

Anger. Frustration. Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I just be happy, like everyone else? Why couldn't I see an acceptance letter for what it was - a chance? Instead, it felt like a threat. A trap. A risk I wasn't sure I could handle. 

But deep down, I knew I had to try. I knew I'd never forgive myself if I let fear steal this from me. I didn't want to look back and wonder what memories I'd missed, what life I'd never lived. I knew I need to gain confidence in myself again, to be able to let go of my fears, no matter how silly they seem to be to others.

I've been battling panic and anxiety disorder since I was about sixteen. That's four years of being stuck in my own mind, fours years of feeling like my body could betray me at any moment. I didn't even understand it at first. My first panic attack came out of nowhere - my vision blurred, my whole world tilted and I thought I would faint any second. I felt weak. The next day, I was terrified it would happen again. And from that fear, a spiral was born. Soon, many days became a game of waiting for disaster. Any small sensation - a flutter in my chest, a dizzy spell, a shallow breath - could send me spiraling. I lived inside my body like it was a ticking bomb.

It took months of doctors, tests, and confusion before I learned the truth: my body wasn't broken. It was my brain playing tricks on me. But knowing didn't stop the attacks. Anxiety doesn't obey logic. It doesn't care if you understand it. It doesn't care if you fight it. Panic ruled me. It made the world smaller, scarier. I couldn't take the bus - what if I had an attack and couldn't escape? I couldn't drive on the highway - what if I couldn't pull over in time? Even sitting with friends could feel like too much. Any situation I couldn't control slowly became a minefield. 

And the worst part? People don't get it. They say "Just stop worrying." Or "Get a grip." But it isn't that simple. I lost friends who couldn't understand. People drifted away. And honestly, I can't blame them. Half the time, I don't understand myself either. 

Love?  Was something I never thought I would experience. Love felt impossible. Who would want someone like me - someone tangled in fear, wrapped in anxiety, weighed down by panic? Love was definitely not on my list of expectations when I thought about my journey at CSU. But then I met Jace Evans. And nothing about him - or what we became - was anything I ever experienced. He was everything I wasn't. Tattooed, mysterious, magnetic. The kind of boy every girl wanted but no one really knew. Every bone in my body wanted me to stay away from him. But somehow, from the very first moment, I knew I wouldn't. 

We were opposites. Me - a quiet, anxious mess. Him - untouchable, hiding secrets I couldn't begin to understand. Not once I was able to foresee all of the consequences that came with knowing and loving him. We shouldn't have worked. Yet somehow, we did. In our own imperfect, chaotic way, we fit. 

I always thought fear was the strongest thing inside me. But Jace taught me something I never saw coming: that here's an emotion bigger than fear. Love. 

He wasn't part of my plan. But he pulled me into his world and turned mine upside down. The odds were against us. Maybe they still are. But we both learned something along the way: We're both a little different. And maybe that's exactly what we needed.

This is a story for everyone who's ever felt different. And for anyone brave enough to be.

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Welcome to Different. I hope you enjoyed this little prologue.

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