Different

Prologue.

Happiness, sadness, anger, love. Only a few of the emotions a human being is able to feel. A mix of ups and downs that can occur in a lifetime. Emotions are a big part of me, they always have been. I feel all of them intensely. I can be over the moon when I'm happy, and cry about the smallest inconvenience when it makes me sad. As I grew older, the emotions evolved. Many of them have turned to fear, anxiety, panic, in a way that all I seem to be able to focus on is them.

Happiness. What one is supposed to feel when they receive an acceptance letter to their dream university in the mail. Not if you're me though. When I opened the letter and read every word carefully, my heart started to race. My body reacted the way it always does in these situations. With anxiety. 

Sadness. Why, you might ask? The anxiety, the panic, the fears of going to Central Seattle University. All they do is make me sad. When I applied to CSU, I couldn't stop creating horrible scenarios of how my journey could go, how many panic attacks I could have in all possible situations. One or the other tear was shed in the process.

Anger. Frustration. Why can't I be a normal human being and just be happy about receiving a spot at a great university? Why are all of these fears and thoughts consuming me so much? 

I have known for a very long time that I need to work on myself, that I have to break out of my usual habits to gain confidence in myself again. To be able to let go of my fears, no matter how silly they seem to be. I know I would never forgive myself in a fews years time when I'm better again. I would have to live with never having been to university, to rejecting the chance of a good career and many great memories. And I don't want that. 

I have been suffering from a panic and anxiety disorder since I was about sixteen. That's about four years of confusion and frustration now. I don't even know how it all started, one day it just did, I had my first panic attack. My vision went blurry, I felt like I was going to faint any second and I could barely breathe. I was scared, confused and didn't know what was going on with me. I felt weak, and thought my body was going to give up on me. The next day, I was scared that those feelings would return, and that's how the spiral started. Many times I would feel the symptoms as soon as I simply thought about them, I would always feel way too much into my body, practically searching for things that feel wrong. 

It took me as well as many doctors a while to figure out that nothing was really wrong with my body, but that me and my brain were just playing little tricks on me. Since then, the panic attacks have basically taken over my life. Normal everyday events turn out to be a struggle for me. I can't take the bus, because I don't like not being in control. When I have control over my car, I can't drive on the highway. It scares me, because I don't trust myself not to have any panic symptoms during the drive and it seems to be too dangerous for me to just stop the car on the highway. Situations I won't be able to escape so easily make me anxious, so even hanging out with friends and sitting still can be hard on me. 

The worst part? It's just the way my brain works. No wonder why panic and anxiety disorders are often seen as surreal. I have lost many people in my life who misunderstood me. Others can't deal with you as a person, because they don't understand what's going on with you. You'll hear get a grip or just stop worrying about it. That advice obviously doesn't help, but I don't blame people that have decided to distance themselves from me. Even I don't know what's going on with me most of the time.

Love. Was something I never thought I would experience, and it was definitely not on my list of expectations when I thought about my journey at CSU. Not once did I imagine I was going to meet someone like Jace Evans, not once was I able to foresee all of the consequences that came with knowing and loving him. Every bone in my body was screaming at me to stay away, but I knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to. Jace and I are the complete opposites. I'm a quiet, emotional mess with a mental health condition. He is the desired, tattooed and mysterious boy with a secret. We were never supposed to work, yet in our own odd way, we did.

I always thought that my fears, my anxiety and my panic were too complicated, too much of a burden for a possible partner. Jace taught me many things, but most importantly, that there is an emotion bigger than fear, anxiety or panic. He was never part of my uni plans, but he led me into his world and turned mine upside down. The odds were against us, sometimes I think they still are. Yet, we quickly discovered that there's one thing that binds us together and that, in the end, we're the same. We're both a little different.

This is a story for everyone who's different. And for everyone who is not afraid to be.

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Welcome to Different. I hope you enjoyed this little prologue.

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