Eternal Sunshine

The Pressure - 1

"What's your name, young lady?" The woman behind the desk that separated us asked me, but I wanted to lie to her.

But, I couldn't lie.

I needed help and that's why I was here in the first place.

I faked a smile that anyone would believe because I've been doing that a lot lately, "It's Rosè." I choked up and said.

She gave me a polite smile, "Thank you, I'm Mrs. Lee. Now, can you tell me your age?"

I wanted to lie again, but that's the reason why I was sitting in this very room. My life has been on a roller coaster that I somehow can't get off, it hasn't stopped. And, I don't think it's gonna stop anytime soon.

"I'm eighteen." I rubbed my arm and looked off. She tapped my hand and began rubbing it, "It's okay baby, I'm here to help. You just have to trust me, okay?" I looked at her and smiled.

"Okay, now tell me why you came into my office today?" She sat back in her chair.

She had to be in her mid-forties or what not. She was beautiful I must say she kept herself up, she reminded me of Taraji P. Henson.

"I'm here because....." I stopped because what I needed to say got caught in my throat I wanted to cry and scream. "Because... I'm pregnant and I need help, I have these thoughts in my head that won't go away. People that I care about keep leaving me behind and... and, they don't understand that when I don't speak to them it's not because I don't love them... I just need time to myself. I've been homeless plenty of times. And, I hate it." I was sobbing like the baby I was feeling like. "I've been so emotional Mrs. Lee, I just want to get to a point in my life where I'm stable and I can just live my life." I sat my head in my hands.

I felt it all come down on me at one time. I began having flashbacks to the day I know for sure I got pregnant by him.

"It's just us right?" I moaned. "Yeah, I love you girl... I'm sorry I hurt you." He kissed me. "Fuck them other bitches and niggas baby!" I said as I moaned, "This is all yours." I said, "You not gonna give it to no other niggas, right?" He said as I moaned and tried to speak. "I'm not baby... It's all yours okay!" We kissed again.

We made love that night, all crazy types of loving. We drunk some alcohol, so we were just telling the truth.

Hours later...

"No, now I feel stupid... I'm not even mad at you anymore, I'm mad at myself at this point!" I walked into the bathroom.

I needed to get away from him, he was sitting on the bed.

"Rosè... Please don't cry." He said out to me, "I'm not crying." I said back.

I sure wanted to cry my damn heart out. But, I didn't.

It got quiet, after a few minutes he spoke up. "Are you crying?" He said, I seen him walk by the bathroom door.

"No, I said I wasn't." I got up and walked passed him. I sat on the washer machine, we were in my cousins' basement in his room.

"I'm sorry." He said to me and stood between my legs.

I looked at him, "Stop saying you're sorry, I get it. It's over with us... You fucked her and you told her you loved her. You don't say that to people that you don't love, that's fucked up." I said, I tried pushing him away but he stopped me from doing so, "I told you I wasn't gonna hit you, Trey! Get off me, I'm okay. I don't care we not together no more anyway. We just fucking, right?" I said to him so he could understand.

"We have been out of the relationship for a couple years now. We speak from time to time, we have that bond and we are each other first loves. But, when it comes to him I get stupid in love and that's why I'm in this office, Mrs. Lee." I looked at her, "After becoming homeless and losing him, I been on a trail to find myself and I found myself and then he comes back and I lose it again. But, this time..... I ended up with a gift." I said as I wiped my eyes, "I'm tired of this... I just want to live my life without him knowing that he could break me into pieces." I looked at the time, "I have to get going, I have to get to work." I said as stood up.

She gave me a polite smile and nodded her head, "That's fine, I'll be here when you need to talk." She said.

"I will." I began walking towards the door.

"And, Rose I want you to remember... There are bad times because something great is gonna happen." She said to me as I was about to walk out.

I smiled, "I will remember that also... Thank you." I left out the door.

I lost my smile but that's something I'm hoping someone will help me find.

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Picture: Rosè