Inside My Mind

Cabin Fever

Can you hear me?

Do you hear the echoes of my broken heart struggling to beat?

Can you hear the soft whispers of my mind tearing me piece to piece?

Have you heard my silent tears flooding my face in strong waves?

I miss you - the old you. The one that would have done anything to make me feel safe. Now, you just stand there while I beg for you to acknowledge my pain. I wait patiently and when you don't see, I scream.

I hate myself, yet you say I'm fine. It's always about us - or even just you - but never about me. I understand, I never gave you what you needed in the beginning. I was never really a shoulder to cry on. Now, that's all I am.

Just like everyone else. Pity.

I saw you as different, but you've proven me wrong. I thought I knew you, yet you show me a new side of you. One heartless and devious. You've somehow turned my insecurity into your own blissful device.

You use it against me constantly and I fall for it every time.

I always thought that love was a wave, but you've shown me it's so much more than that. It's dangerous and blinding. When you dive in, you don't see the storm ahead. When you surface - which some do and some don't- you've found yourself caught in something you aren't sure you will ever escape.

I surfaced to the calm before the storm. Everything was angelic and perfect. All too soon, it was ripped away by the horrors I've come to know. I've made my mistakes, but I learn from them. You make mistakes, but you feed from them.

The more you mess up, the more you guilt me. I'm starting to believe it's not me you want, just a person. Someone you can grow with like I once had. It didn't matter who, just someone. Now that I want you, you've lessened your feelings. You've never been in a good relationship, so how would you know what one feels like.

We're both monsters in disguise.

Remember when I told you there was one unforgivable act that you could commit? You've already committed it. You'll never know because I tried to forgive it. We both know that things changed though. We aren't as close or as loving. We blame it on life when in reality, we know.

I gave up on that day, but still let my feelings roam freely for you. I loved you more than anyone could. In return, I hated myself. You never noticed. I was battling with the decision to forgive or hate. Look who won it.

I hate myself because I can't fathom ever hating you.

I will never let it go. I will forever resent myself for choosing forgiveness over hatred. I stopped wanting to be with you, but never stopped loving you. I would only hate myself more. I stayed because you needed me. No one should be alone during a time like that. I didn't want to cause more pain. In the end, I think I did good.

When you read this, I hope you understand it was myself that caused everything, but you who never helped.