Inside My Mind

I'm fucking done

You know what? You can take anything I say and twist it how you will. Make me out to be the bad guy and I'm not gonna give a fuck. JUST DO NOT TAKE THINGS I'VE CONFIRMED WE'RE NOT TRUE AND TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE SEE IT AS TRUE.

I know I'm indirectly calling someone out and if you follow both of us, you know the minimum of it. I'm just tired of people taking what I say and twisting it when I've confirmed that it's not solid.

Yes, I said he was my boyfriend, but then I corrected myself by saying it wasn't officially and I wasn't even sure if it would be. I never said it was official and I never said it was a solid confirmation.

If you want to continue saying these things about me, go ahead, but keep it on something I don't read. And about you saying I won't see it, of course I will. I'm sorry we haven't been talking much, but for one, I'm busy.

For two, I've had family things to deal with.

For three, I'm trying to focus on myself and getting better.

And lastly, I can't always make time for you. I'm sorry if I seem like an asshole, but you constantly blowing up my phone and begging me to talk to you isn't helping. I'm really trying, but I still have things to deal with in my life.

I might as well just stop all this. I might as well just end things. I just have to much to deal with that I'd rather just slit my wrists and get things over with. Stop saying you cut yourself because of me. Stop saying you want to die because of me. Stop fucking saying I'm a horrible guy when I'm fucking trying.

You might as well delete me from your life if this is too much for you because it's only going to get worse. I'm sorry I'm trying to fix my life and be with my best friend.

I'm sorry that I fucking call him my boyfriend and he does the same.

I told you I was close to my friends, but I guess you didn't get that. I do love you and care about you. I want to be with you, but at the same time, I have other people who I've been with or have thought about being with.

YOU ARE FUCKING 13.

You can't say you're in love with me within days of us meeting or even weeks. You've never met me in person.

Yes, I do love you and yes, I want to be with you, but I'm almost 17. I'm old enough to know the difference between loving a friend, loving a best friend and loving a romantic partner.

I thought it could work, even with you being young, but I don't know how I'd date someone the same age as the kids I babysit.

If you thought I wasn't trying, you're wrong. I told friends about you and they all laughed at me and basically called me a pedophile. Maybe it's different in Scotland, but here, I could get in a lot of trouble for being with you.

Let me fix up life and get things in order and maybe JUST MAYBE we can talk about even being friends. Right now, I need some time to actually work things out. I'm sorry if I seem cruel, but from day one you've acted like we were destined to be together forever.

Look, you're 13, you have a lot more experimenting to do and I don't want you to limit yourself to someone you met over the internet. You have a lot of years left before you can really talk about loving someone, especially loving someone you've never officially met.

I've been where you are and trust me, you don't want to limit yourself to someone so fast. I was engaged at 15 and I finally realized that engagement would've never worked. We were still so young. I gave away my romantic loyalty to someone that ended up hurting me and I'm not even sure I'd want to be with.

Please, just go and try dating people, then if you still think I'm the only one, when you turn 18 (because I'm not getting in any kind of trouble regardless if you're in a place where it's okay) we cab get back together. Just don't limit yourself to one person because you'll regret it. This is coming from someone that's fallen in love for no reason and promised a horrible person my heart.

I don't even remember why I wrote this, regardless this is my answer to you and I'd still love to be friends, let's just both cool off from everything first.

I really am sorry.

~M. A.