Inside My Mind

Mistakes and Moving On

Do you ever wonder if things happen for a reason? Or maybe whether you made the right decision? How can someone not worry about their choices? I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and equally I've done things I'd never think about changing. Still, how do you tell what's right and wrong before you decide what to do?

I think about people a lot. I've watched some come and let others go. I've met amazing people. Some I still carry with me while others are lost in my memories. I try my best to keep those I care about close to me, but life has a way of letting things slip out of sight.

I've made a lot of friends over the years and lost them later in life. I've gotten close enough to see some as family, and yet I can never seem to hold on to them. I miss the person I used to be - so vibrant and happy. I always listened even when it was at my expense. I've let people tear me down into nothing, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I've messed up a lot. Chose things I shouldn't have and done things I've regretted. I always try to do best by me and others around me. I feel odd trying to let go of those people I held close to me. It's never felt right. I miss a lot of people.

Now, I'm pushing myself to new heights. Trying for accomplishments in my life and making something out of who I am. There's still that lingering feeling that I'm making a mistake. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread that's ready to snap. I'm not okay with falling back into the hole I spent so long climbing out of.

Recently, it seems like I can never make up my mind. One second, I'm fine with all the change and even strive for it. Others, I'm wishing things would stay the same and I can live peacefully knowing I'm safe. I've lost the spark in myself - the one that always shines so bright. The kind person with a shy smile who would give the world just to see at least one person happy.

It's like now - everything I've pushed for - is slipping through my fingers. That now - all the things I've dreamed of - is fading away. I want to make something of my life, but I don't think I could ever pay the price.

I've thought it over a lot and I realize that I'm allowed to be sad and upset over things. I'm allowed to wish I could undo the most painful moments. I want to make the right choice, but even now I have no idea what that entails. I don't know what or where I went wrong. My life is my own, but sometimes I wish it was someone else's. Sometimes I want it to be anyone else's problem.

Unfortunately, life is messy and can never be fully understood. I'll never know the things that won't happen. All I can do is hope I'm doing good. And on days when I wonder if things will ever work out, I'll remember the friends I've made, the things I've experienced and hopefully that'll be enough to show me what's right and what's wrong.

Until then, I'll keep hurting myself on the broken pieces I've created in my life and choose to do what I think is best - not only for myself, but for the people around me.