Inside My Mind

Being In Love

I've always dreamed of what it's like to fall for someone.

Staring into each other's eyes, feeling like no one else mattered, wanting to be around them all the time. That's the fairytale way of falling in love. No one ever mentions the pain. Or the fear. Or the feeling of dread when you realise you'll never get to be with them.

Love is more than just feeling like you're on cloud 9 all the time. It takes work. Love is being there and understanding what the person needs and giving it to them. It's dealing with all the bullshit they know you hate. It's patience and practice.

Being in love is knowing that no matter what happens, you'll have each other, even if you don't stay together. It's working things out no matter what and listening to each other. Love is so many things no one ever wants to talk about.

Being in love with someone that doesn't love you back is hard. People think that those people are spiteful and full of hatred for whoever the person they love is with. Most people are like that.

Here's the thing, they're not really in love.

Recently, I've discovered what real love is like. Real, pure and genuine love is being there as a friend for them. It's taking the time to understand every little thing about them. It's comforting them, even if it hurts you. It's not being hateful when they talk about someone they like, or even love, if it's not you. It's not sabotaging a relationship for your benefit.

What I'm saying is, it's the way Keith feels for Lance. That's what real love is. Keith and Lance grew together and cared about each other. Even when Lance went to Keith for advice about his date with Allura, Keith put his feelings aside and helped him.

Who can honestly say they'd do that and not have an ounce of hatred in them? I know I can't.

Throughout all of season 8 of Voltron, we see how Keith shows his love for Lance. Yes, he does get irritated when Allura gets brought up at some point, but he's human. He didn't feel hatred, he felt heartbroken. Even then, he still was there for Lance.

I've searched up until now for a love like that. One pure and selfless. I could never find anything like it. As a human, I thought love meant fighting for who you want despite who they were with and being patient if you really cared about them being happy. It's not though.

Real love is just being there for them. It's knowing that even if you have a chance, you don't have to take it. It's being happy with the kind of relationship you have and not really having to worry about messing it up because you care about them enough to simply just be their friend.

As much as I want to say Voltron was shit and I didn't like it, it taught me something I never thought I'd need to know. Now that I've taken a deeper look at things, friendship, love, understanding, that's what it's about. It's acceptance despite how much hatred you have for what or who they are or where they came from.

Going back to love, now that I know what real love is like, I know who I really love. I've mentioned him before, Maybe not by name, but I know I've said I loved him. I still do. I always will.

Until I saw how Keith loved Lance, I never knew I loved this person. Well, I knew I did, but I never knew how much. The way Keith sees and is there for Lance is how I see and am there for him. He knows I love him. At first, I thought it was a mistake to say it, but now, I'm glad it's off my chest.

Maybe we'll never end up together, but that's okay. I'm fine with friendship. He makes me happy, regardless of how he feelings about me. Seeing him happy is more than amazing. It makes me so happy that he found love, even if it's not with me. He's happy and I hold nothing against him or who he loves.

Actually, the person he loves is a really good friend of mine. They both mean a lot to me. Their friendship is all I want. The guy I love will always know about my feelings for him, that will never change, but he never has to worry about me trying to be with him every chance I have.

If he reads this, I want him to know that I will always have these feelings, but I will never act on them. It doesn't matter if he ends up loving me the same or not. I'd rather love him from a distance than hurt him in any kind of way. Despite knowing it will probably never happen, if he does decide to be with me and does love me, we can take things slow. As slow as he wants.

I don't want to rush love. I'm tired of that. This is the first person I've waited so long to say anything to. The only reason he knows about my feelings is because I was stupid enough to think that was the end of our friendship, so why not? Instead of realising that all I want is him to be happy, I tell him and prepare for the final blow that never comes.

If he really is reading this, I want him to know that no matter what, I will always be there for him. It doesn't matter what it is. He's been through hell and I just want the best for him. If it means going years without talking only to get a random text about something or an awkward hi, I'll take it. I want him to be as comfortable with me as I am with him.

We'll always be best friends despite my feelings.

~M.A.