Inside My Mind

Trapped

Why do I feel like this?

It's like I can never get outta my own head. I'm trapped, looking for a way out. I saw this girl in the bathroom, she was crying and I wanted to help. I wanted to forget my own problems for a second, but I just couldn't.

I couldn't break my promise.

I couldn't just walk up to her and ask if she was okay.

I couldn't get out of my own head.

It's scary, being trapped in your own mind. You remember things you left to be forgotten. You hear things you let fall on deaf ears. See things you've blinded yourself to. Feel things you've never wanted to feel again. Think about things you've so desperately tried to block off. Yet it all comes, and it comes in waves.

No relent.

No forgiveness.

No mercy.

Just hatred.

For yourself.

For others.

For life.

For death.

For everything.

And the worst part is you can't stop it, you get used to it, you start believing it, you kill yourself for it, you die for it, then you wake up and do it all again. No amount of cutting, music, acting, etc. will make it stop. You'll always have blind spots, soft spots, places and things and times weaker than the rest. Nothing, no one, no way can save you from yourself. Not even you.

I've become uninspired and unmotivated to keep living. If I were to die, my only worry, only regret is not going to Heaven, if it even exists. I'm so caught up in my own head and trying to leave it, even for a second, that I've lost sight of who I was. Who I am is something I have yet to discover. Until then, I will continue to kill myself daily trying to leave my own head.

~M. A.