Inside My Mind

Stop, just fucking stop

I'm fucking sick of it.

You fucking dictate everything I do already, so why would you try telling me how I fucking feel? I don't fucking like him, but here you go again calling us cute or saying we should date.

I DO NOT FUCKING LIKE HIM.

Enough already, please. I'm practically throwing my pride away and begging you to stop. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of you assuming I like someone. I'm fucking in a relationship, one that you'd never approve of.

I'm not gay. I'm not straight. I'm not putting a label on myself. Gender and sexuality is all too confusing to figure out. I am whatever the hell I fucking feel like, okay?

I'm with a girl and in your eyes, it's disgusting. I don't care though. It's my life. I don't want to stay where I've lived all my life. I want to travel the world and see my friends. I know it costs money, but I'm saving up. I'm fucking trying to make a life for myself even though I still don't know what I want to do with myself.

I just want to break down and just tear myself apart. That's how bad all of this is destroying me.

Is it so bad to be close to someone and not have feelings for them? I'm so sorry that I get close (without revealing too much about myself obviously) so quickly because I'm scared they'll leave and I won't be able to make even the stupidest of memories.

You make me want to disappear - or better yet die. I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere, but with my friends. I wish I could see them. They make me happy - something I haven't been in a very long time.

I feel so small.

I feel useless.

Stupid for trusting people.

Tired.

Insecure.

Sick.

I'm so sick of it.

I straightened my hair FOR MY GIRLFRIEND and I'm being accused of doing it for some guy I'm suppose to like. I can't even dress a certain way without being accused of it.

I'm seriously at a breaking point. I'm not what people expect. I'm not someone to keep easy track of. I change faster than anything if I feel threatened or your assumptions get to be too much.

I wish they'd just leave me alone. Not just the people, but the thoughts too. The thoughts kill me. They won't go away. Honestly, I just want to sleep. I don't want to cut this short because there's still so much I want - that I need - to say, but after a while, things lose their drive.

I just want everything to leave me alone.

~M. A.