Inside My Mind

The sad truth

I'm wishing I wasn't alive anymore.

It's stupid, I know. Not that I don't wanna be alive anymore. Just that I want to be like those "emo" kids. The stereotypical kind. The "fuck off, cut themselves, hate their lives" kinda kids. It's stupid, but I want to be self destructive.

I feel insane writing this out. I honestly don't know why I'd ever want it, but I do and it sucks, it makes no sense. I have a good life with good friends. Why would I ever want to die or harm myself? I don't want this, but all the same, I do. It's all I could ever want. It's stupid, but that's how I feel. That's how I felt back in my room when I made the first cut on my unblemished skin.

Now, I have scars from years ago that I can't rid of. My unblemished skin is marked with hundreds of tiny cuts. Is it wrong to want to die when you have everything you could ever want? Is it wrong to get depressed when someone says something so dumb and irrelevant? It's stupid, I know.

I can't explain it. I don't think I ever could. It's horrible. I wish I didn't want to die. I wish I didn't want to hurt myself. I wish I could be normal. But that's the thing, in my twisted and dark mind, this is normal. This is how everyone should be. This is what's right.

But it's so wrong.

No one should feel like this.

No one should want to do this.

No one should want to die or hurt themselves.

Yet, I do. But why? I have no reason to. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm smart. But I want to die, I feel fat, I'm failing my classes. You get used to it after a while. It becomes a part of you. The fake "I'm fine"s and "trying-to-be-convincing" smiles all become real. You don't have to fake being fake sad or fake a fake smile.

It all becomes natural.

~M. A.