Inside My Mind

Unlove

I can't fall in love.

They know who they are and they know what happened. I won't say it's all their fault - I know I'm to blame too - but they should take partial blame.

I wasn't the one who suddenly was in love with someone else.

I wasn't the one who threw up empty promises and destroyed the person they were supposed to love.

No, instead it was him. The guy - that after three full years - I realized would turn his back on me over something so trivial as a misunderstanding. Even more than that, something like a way to get out of a relationship.

We both know that's why.

I've destroyed myself, built myself up, built others up and ghosted everyone. I'm sorry that I can't just text you days after you completely destroyed me. You called me a slut, a whore and worse.

So much worse.

I want to forgive you, but like you said, it's unforgivable and I've lost all faith and trust in you. You thought I wouldn't see it? Well, guess what? I have eyes everywhere.

I can't express how hard, yet relieving it is to have you out of my life. Your drugs and lifestyle wasn't something I wanted. Where would we go if you couldn't even go a day without smoking something?

You call me pathetic, but you're telling everyone how horrible I am. Go ahead, do it. I have my real friends and they will fight for and with me till the end. Your "best friend" sent me dick pics and hit me up for sex.

I'm sorry he hurt you. I really am, but you blame me for something he started? That makes perfect sense. I could easily tell you to go to hell or eat shit, but I've decided to let you have your way and talk shit about me, destroy me, throw me outta your life.

Three years - THREE FUCKING YEARS - that was all it took for you to assume everything we'd been through was for nothing.

Have a great life with your girlfriend - yeah, I didn't call her a slut or a bitch or a whore like you did me. Grow up, honestly. You say she's the "love of your life". Funny how you said the same thing about me when we first met.

Fuck, you was already "in love" with me before I even knew who you were.

You're really fucked for treating me like shit when I tried to do my best. Yeah, I joked around with your best friend, got to know him, spend a little bit more time with him than with you.

Does that automatically mean I cheated?

And when I was texting him and he came onto me when you wanted to be with her, when he sent me countless dick pics - which I immediately deleted - and talked dirty to me when we weren't together and you made it obvious.

Was I cheating then?

Tell me, honestly. When did I ever cheat and try to make you jealous? I still have your number and address, I could easily post it to anything and people could tear you apart, but why would I?

I don't love you. That's a lie, but it can become a truth. You don't stop loving someone, but you can love someone less. You can forget about someone, maybe not completely, but still. You can erase someone from your life like they were nothing.

If you wanted her so bad, that's all you had to say. I never gave you up, I gave you the choice to choose and you chose her. I've never tied you down because I knew that you needed freedom to fuck something up and be disloyal. I don't blame you, I'm just disappointed.

I won't fall in love - not again.

~M. A.