Inside My Mind

Relief

I don't know what to say.

Now that I know I have certain friends who will read this, I have to be extra careful. At the same time, I'm not gonna water down what I say. This is a 100% real fic thing. I don't wanna say it's for venting. It kinda is, but it's something more.

Despite all that, I want to get to why I'm writing this. I got new blades. I don't really know how to actually put it. It's weird. The pain is so much more since it's sharper. I also bleed more too. It's not my somewhat dulled blade that I have to press down hard with and barely get any results.

This is good, but not. Good because... Well I'm not sure how it's really good. Obviously anyone could tell the bad results in doing this.

It's nice to have sharp blades again. It was hell getting them. I have 50, but I only need one. It excites me to have so much power over myself again. It also scares me because I'm know what I'm capable of.

I honestly thought I'd have more to say on this. I don't want this to be 200 or so words. That's stupid to waste time and a whole chapter like that. I'll move on to a different subject.

Being me is hard. I won't lie about that. Some would kill to be in my position, while others would want nothing to do with my life. I've met a lot of people - some good, some bad. Honestly, if I had the choice to pick who I met and when, I'd choose my best friends within seconds and would want to meet them at birth.

I love them. I can't believe I have them. Yeah, we've had some rough patches in the past couple months we've known each other. From arguments over Shrek to fights over self worth - we've dealt with a lot from each other.

Even with all the bad times and the fights and the having to constantly reassure each other, I'd still want to meet them. I wish I could've grown up with them. Maybe I'd be more confident about myself or be more open about my emotions.

I'd never tell them this (I'm sure they'll find out soon) but I've always imagined living with them. Like, they'd just crawl into bed with me when they needed comfort and I'd be there for them. They could tell me anything and feel completely safe and comfortable around me.

We'd stay up late as we watch movies or make cookies or even torment each other. We'd run around the house and chase each other without a care in the world. We'd act like we've known each other forever and there'd be limited secrets between us.

We'd help bring up each other and treat each other like siblings. We'd be there for each other whenever we're needed and would do anything for each other.

At the same time, there's one person I can't get out of my head. I imagine living specifically with them and everything seems right. Nothing is forced or has to be planned. It just feels completely natural. I want that. They're a friend, but I can't help to notice all the differences they have with my other friends.

This person has completely captured my attention. I don't feel my heart stop or race, it's more of a calm, yet excited feeling. I feel like with them, I could do anything. I guess I've always felt that way, I just didn't realise how much they really affected me until things started to change.

I've always wanted to meet my friends, there's no doubt about it. I constantly talk about it. What I don't talk about is the special friend. I've had a lot of real crushes in my life.

One in seventh with a boy named Aaron.

Another my freshman year with a girl, her name is Taryn.

Now, there's them. I'm only using neutral pronouns so my friends can't guess who it could be.

They make everything so much better, yet harder. They won't ever feel the same way towards me. They'll never feel an over protectiveness that's too over the top to be considered "friendly." Or, in better terms, "brotherly."

They'll never get this ache in their chest when they think of never seeing, touching, smelling, tasting what the other has to offer. (I know my wording is strange.)

They'll never cry at night just because they don't have the person that means everything to them in bed just holding them. They don't know the contentment of dreams that allows them to hold or be held.

They won't know the constant, paralysing fear that maybe,  just maybe, their whole friendship is a lie and isn't welcomed into their life.

They'll never pray to a god they don't believe in to keep that person safe and protect every fiber of their being.

They'll never wonder what it's like to kiss and hold and just be around the person that will simply never feel the same for them.

They'll never deny a crush for so long that they suddenly realise they're in love and it's too late to convince themselves it's a simple crush.

What hurts to realise the most is they'll never know what it's like to want nothing more than for that person to be happy when they're constantly being broken apart and destroyed to the point of contemplating suicide and still not going through with it for the simple fact they have this stupid sliver of hope that maybe they'll get lucky and have a chance to be with them.

That being said, I should really get what I want to talk about straight. I started this with the intent of rambling on about blades and blood. I lost interest and moved to friends. Now I'm talking about the person I can't help but be in love with when I've tried everything to destroy the feelings.

Anyway, I should stop with this.

~M. A.