Inside My Mind

Anorexia

Not many people actually know I'm anorexic. Well, I guess now some people would know, but that's not the point. Anyway, when someone sees me, they see a slightly chubby teen that's healthy. I'm quite the opposite though.

From a young age, I had irregular eating habits. I was never diagnosed with anorexia, but from one look, you could tell I was. I barely eat a meal or two a day and I was overly active. The older I got, things got in the way and i somehow gained some needed weight even with the same irregular eating habits.

But the time I was nearly 13, which was when my grandmother had died, I weighed at least 140 pounds. Over the next three years, my weight went up to 160 then back down to 150ish. Now, it stays in the range of 145 to 155.

Growing up the way I did, I never realised I wasn't eating right. I was healthy and strong, the only thing wrong was the way I'd eat. Everyone would say I'd "eat like a bird" and pick at my food. I can barely remember sitting down to eat a meal.

Now, before anyone goes off and questions the authority of my grandparents (who I lived with after my mom walked out on my sister and I) or they way we were raised, i want to say that they took amazing care of us. My sister had a weight problem too, but it was more because she eat a lot and was never very active.

I won't talk much about her since she isn't me. Anyway, my eating habits have always been irregular. I've never told a doctor this because I feel it isn't important. They don't need to know. I'm fine with the way I am. It may not be healthy at times, but I'm healthy now and that's all that matters, right?

Either way, I don't really talk to doctors about it. I have no time to work out because of school and homework. Honestly, stress is what keeps me from doing a lot of stuff. I worry about getting things done a lot. The stress causes irregular weight gain/loss. That adds to me being anorexic.

When I eat when I'm stressed, I gain a little weight. When I don't eat when I'm stressed, my weight stays around the same or even falls a little. Since I'm always stressed, my eating habits change a lot and I can lose and gain weight erratically.

Then I also have the problem of my anxiety and depression. Depression would seem more like something that would get you to gain weight since it causes you to feel unmotivated or sluggish. For me, it triggers major anxiety attacks which triggers my anorexia and a part of my brain that tells me I feel queasy when eating.

Everyone has felt like that at one point, right? The feeling that you just can't eat or you'll immediately throw it back up. Your stomach seems to clench and you get extremely nauseous at the sight or smell of food.

That's what happens to me, but I can still feel hungry and want to eat. I look at food in an appetising way, but the second it's in my mouth, I feel sick. It taste nearly bland or it's like the flavours are too overwhelming.

At the same time, I can eat just fine, then suddenly I'm having a panic attack because of the food. It's not in a way that would be like "oh I'm gonna gain so much weight", its more like "I don't know what to think over myself eating this".

It doesn't make much sense reading it, but to me, it's like taking your favourite food and having it sit in front of you knowing that someone did something to it, bit not being able to see it. Like if someone licks one of your chicken nuggets and you know they did something to one of them, but you don't know which one or what they did exactly.

It's having that fear that they did something to a beloved food, but not know what it is. You feel uncomfortable and anxious because of it. In the end, nothing could have been done to it, but to yourself, your brain is convinced something happened.

That's how my anorexia is most of the time. At least, that's how it was after my life changed (i.e. grandmother's death)and even now. There's a lot more I could say about it, but I'm sure no one wants to hear anymore about it.

~M. A.