Inside My Mind

Him

I feel....

I feel like we're worlds apart. Like there's so much distance between us. He's in a different galaxy while I'm being slowly sucked into a black hole, further and further away from him.

Is it fair to say I wish we were right next to each other? Should I really be stubborn and demanding? I'm lucky he's even in my life, yet here I am wishing we were right next to each other in space.

I want to be happy and lively with him. He's my everything. No one can compare to him. None of this has been easy, but something still pulls me to him. I can never get enough of him. We may fight and argue and have our bad times, but nothing can compare to the good ones. Nothing and no one.

We've barely started our relationship and already we've had so much pitted against us. We've almost been torn apart. Yet gravity, our own stubbornness and love for each other, has kept us together.

What am I supposed to expect? I expect nothing, I get everything. I expect everything, I get nothing. How is it that we both can't work at the same time to keep things going? It's like when one of us gives up, the other starts caring. At the same time, we both care a lot and want the best for each other. We just give up on the little things and it tears us apart a little more. We sow it back up and it happens again at some point.

In the end, it's still the two of us waiting to have those small good moments. We wait out the bad, fix what needs to be and wish that the good times keep coming. We work hard to be happy and make compromises. Sometimes things work, other times things don't. That just life. We're there for each other and maybe we both need to realize that.

Recently, I've been having these realizations. Just small things that make a big impact. I want a future with him. I want to be happy with him. I've given up a lot for him. I've lost people because of him. Still, nothing can ever compare to him.

The small realizations are mostly things I see or read. They make me really think about things. He's the first person to pop into my head when I think of someone I wanna be with for the rest of my life. When I read or see these things, it makes me realize there's so much more I could be doing for this relationship. It makes me wanna be better. I wanna be better for him, for myself, for my future.

Then I have those times where I still think of the one I used to love. The one I'm sure everyone knows by name. The one person who could make my day just by texting me. He doesn't want anyone. I can't keep giving myself hope he wants happiness with me, either as a friend or more. I gave up on him because he hurt me more than he made me feel loved.

The one I want to spend the rest of my life with feels so far away, yet he sits right beside me. I want everything. What he loved, what he hates, what he wants, what he needs, what he expects, what he disapproves of. I want to know everything.

I may not ask questions or talk a lot, but that's because I've always been better at listening. Even if I don't seem like I am, I listen. I pay attention to how I react to things. I hate myself sometimes for the things I do. That's a lie. I hate myself all the time.

He's always trying to be there for me. I wanna do the same. I want him to feel like he can tell me anything and I'll be okay. We will be okay.

I guess that things can't always be forever. Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that some people just don't go good together. One of them is too messed up. It hurts me to know who that person is.

He means a lot to me. I just hope one day I can mean a lot to myself. Maybe then we can be right next to each other instead of so far apart. I'd give up a thousand lifetimes just to see him happy in one. It really sucks to know I can't make him happy every second of every day.

If he reads this, I hope that I made it till you got home. If not, whether I ran off or just ended it all right there, just know that I love you with everything in me. I'm just at my lowest and I don't want you to know. All I wanted was to make you happy. I just want the best for you.

I hope that life will always be good to you.

- Mykalin <3