Inside My Mind

I don't know

I really don't know what to do.

The past couple of days have been amazing and hell at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe this is just the tiredness settling in, but everything is scattered and disgruntled.

It's the usual downgrading comments and being told how my life will be ran from my mom and never really seeing my dad. Then school has been thrown in the mix. I don't know where to start and stop with things.

I have so much on my mind and I can't find where to begin with any of it. I'm at a bar and it's loud like usual. It's nice though. I don't like the loudness, but just being in a bar makes me feel more relaxed, but I'm also tense.

Nothing is gonna make any sense. I'm sure of that. I just want to sleep, but it's a bar and the second I even close my eyes for more than a millisecond, I'll be yelled at. I just miss my bed and pup.

I miss a lot of things actually, like home. I miss running around and hour long bike rides. I miss the summer sun and the chill from fall turning to winter. I miss the Texas snow that's never actually been snow.

I miss going to church. Maybe my faith or whatever was weak, possibly nonexistent, but I loved the warm and welcoming feeling it gave me. Everything was easier then.

Now, I'm here wondering if anything is really worth what I'm giving up. I feel like I'm wasting my time just being alive. My friends want to leave, but I don't think anything is serious right now.

Obviously, if your friend says they want to die, then actually tries, you'd be concerned and classify it as a high risk situation. The things is we're all used to it by now. If someone says it, we talk them out of it then leave them be.

Yeah, it's scary and sometimes we don't know if we got through to each other or if they survived. They could be dead for all we know, but we trust each other and know that no matter what, we'd never actually leave each other.

Most of us don't have the guts to actually end things and the ones who do have the guts end up taking the responsibility of keeping the others at bay and pray they don't end up like us.

It's a battle and a war, like most say it is. It's the feeling of drowning and being shoved into a tight space. It's a lot of things. Being us is being a parent of a eternal infant. The job is never done and it takes a lot of time to deal with things. You have to be patient and be able to handle a lot of stress at one time.

I feel like I'm going insane though. Not like I'm drowning, well I do feel that way, but not how people describe it. This is a different type of drowning, a different type of feeling entirely. I feel like at any second I could kill someone. Everything ticks me off and maybe it's my bipolar, but I know something's not right.

I feel trapped and forced. It's like I'm tied down and tortured to do things. Usually I turn this anger to myself, but like I said, something's off. I can feel my heart banging against my chest. It's to the point where it hurts and I wanna see blood.

I know I'm not okay, I've known that for a long time. I don't need doctors or whatever telling me that.

Maybe I'm just tired. Whatever it is, I should try to stay calm until I get some sleep. Sleep has always helped. I just hope it's a good substitute for the blood thirst. I know I'm dangerous and shouldn't be a part of the public. It's more than obvious that I should be under watch or in a psych ward. Maybe both.

I'm at a bar and drinking this feeling away is tempting, bit I'm unpredictable when an influential substance is added to the equation. I should sleep, but I'm not home, nor do I think I'm leaving anytime soon. I don't even remember what I was trying to say honestly.

I don't know what to do or think.

~M. A.