Inside My Mind

Why can't life work out?

I'm sick of everything.

I'm trying so hard to do my best, but it's like it's never enough. Why am I the one that hurts the most? I'm in love with my best friend, I'm so depressed that I can't do anything, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I feel like I'm losing my mind and so many more things. I want to burst into tears and give up, but all the same, I'm too strong to do it.

I feel weak. I feel useless. But most of all, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living like this. Worrying about others before myself, giving up my time and destroying myself for the sake of everyone I care about. Most of my "friends" don't even text me back. One friend I've cried over and begged to stop something so self destructive and harmful. And yet, they continue.

They keep hurting me, but I forgive them. I'd do anything for them. I don't know if they realize it, but I'd give up everything for them. I love them so much. I'm scared I'm starting to grow out of loving them as a friend. I don't want to love them anymore than what I already do.

They make me happy, something I haven't been in a long time. Falling in love with them would possibly destroy that happiness. I know they don't feel the same about me. After all, we love each other as friends only.

Nothing more than that.

They're happily in a relationship while I'm wondering who I'm really in love with and who I want to spend the rest of my life with. If you asked me, I'd probably say my boyfriend. I'd say it, but there will always be that slight hesitation. He's hurt me before, ended our former engagement, made me scared of falling in love again.

I'd never tell him though.

No, I wouldn't dare.

I couldn't bring myself to hurt him so much. Especially after all we've been through together. I guess that's the price to pay for having a big heart and caring. I get hurt, but I'd never say it out loud. I'd never tell my friends, especially the only one that makes me happy, that I've been hurt by them. Maybe I've said it once or twice, but never out loud. I could never do that.

Instead I sit there in the silence, wondering why life never works out.

~M. A.