Inside My Mind

Am I What You Want?

So many things have been changing and twisting in my life. I was happy to go to my school today and see who my teachers are going to be. When I get home, I'm yelled at for "never doing the dishes".

It shouldn't have upset me.

I wanted to do horrible things to myself. Punish myself for what I'd caused. I didn't though. It's only because I couldn't find my wonderful friend.

I don't know whether to be happy or scared that so many people (or the same person repeatedly) reads these. I checked and I have 105 views. I'm 74th in panic attacks. As a writer, I'm overjoyed. As a person suffering from all this, I'm sad and terrified. No one should feel like this - the way I do.

My mom seems to hate everything I do and my dad is always working. I asked my dad if he'd just stay home for two hours and he asked why. All I want is for us to have at least one family moment.

Everything is so confusing and my thoughts are twisted and tangled together. I know that's part of being a teenager, but this is so different. I shouldn't be happy to die or sad at the thought of being happy.

Whoever is reading this, I hope you know that I care about you and I want to see you succeed. We may not know each other and it may seem like I don't care, but I really do. If I didn't, this wouldn't be something I'd do.

I do this, not for the joy or stress relief, but so people know they aren't alone.

I don't want to be popular or known. I just want to inspire people and help them see their worth. I've never cared about being popular or seen. Actually, I love being in the shadows and watching people be happy from the sidelines.

I don't care if I'm given credit for the smile on your face, just that you're happy.

I want people to be proud of me, but don't we all?

I hate the attention my depression, anxiety and all that brings.

I wish I was uniquely normal.

I don't like feeling like this or not being able to sleep and eat properly.

I've gone over many subjects already. Love, fear, depression, self harm, etc. None of it matters of I can't help anyone. I want to help myself, but how? It's hard waking up and thinking positively. I don't expect anyone to do that. I wish people could try, even if they've tried for a long time. I hate giving up.

This is hard to put into words - all of this really. It's something so simple, yet complex.

People want things like being popular or beautiful or smart or hot or expensive things. I want to have a happy life that I can appreciate and enjoy.

I never knew where I was going with this, only that I would talk and release things from my mind. Usually - as you can probably tell - I talk more on the darker side of things and this isn't all that dark.

I'm not normal and I'm very complex. I've always been that way. I'm not some role model or someone you should look up to. I'm a simple person wanting to see a change in the world and not knowing how to take that first step into the dangers and navigate through the horrors.

Whoever is reading this, answer me this question,

Who am I to you and is that who you want me to be in your life?

~M. A.