Inside My Mind

Mistake

I didn't mean to.

I never meant to meet you. I never meant to laugh with you. I never meant to cry with you. I never meant to argue with you. I never meant to feel peace with you. I never meant to fall for you.

But I did.

I don't know if I regret it.

I never wanted to.

I wanted to be your best friend. One that could be there for you and help you. Instead I'm overprotective and overbearing. I wanted to be someone you could trust. Instead I'm someone you don't feel comfortable coming to. I wanted to make you feel safe. Instead I caused unsettlement.

Things were supposed to be different. We were meant to be best friends who would be there for each other. I wasn't supposed to do this. I fucked up.

Things aren't the same. I don't want to text you and hear we can't be friends or you need a break from me. In my ideal fantasy, you either say we're still friends or you say you feel the same.

I doubt either of those will happen. I wouldn't be surprised if you suddenly blocked me. I'm used to people leaving me. I mean, all I did was save your life and wanted nothing in return. It should be stopped there.

But it didn't. Instead we got to know each other, bonded, became friends. It was, again, suppose to stop there. Again, it didn't.

I don't know when I realised my small crush on you all those months ago. I don't even remember having much of a crush. It was more like I liked talking to you and I'd constantly be scolded by my friends for only ever taking about you.

I thought it was normal to talk highly of a friend.

It wasn't until you started to her that things started to change. You two are now done and have broken up (thankfully) but I think that's around the time things really started to change.

I've always been protective and scared of losing you, but it was like a flip switched when you started talking about her. Obviously I was jealous as a best friend. I mean, what best friend wouldn't be a bit jealous at first? It's only when I'd get pissed and we'd constantly be fighting by just the mention of her name or any reference to her that I realised something was wrong.

I know I'd always joke about falling in love with you and ask how'd you react if I did, but I never actually thought it would happen.

I don't even know when it actually happened. I mean, after everyone telling me I was, I guess I just refused to believe it. I took stupid internet tests that told me I was too. I tried any and everything to just get rid of it, to stop feeling this way. It wasn't until we were talking in Irish that I felt different.

Okay, so not exactly different, but I definitely saw you in a new light. I saw the situation different. I imagined we went back to normal. That we'd always have conversations in Irish and English and that would be the new normal.

Then, for a split second, I thought about meeting you and it was so different from what I imagined when I first declared we'd have to meet with no excuses. Instead of my heart racing from excitement and running, I imagine it'd race from seeing you and being able to touch you.

I've also been thinking about actually being with you. What it would be like to wake up and see your face. To touch you and hold you. To speak to you and yell at you. To love and hate you. I want everything with you. Not just the good times, but also the bad.

I love you.

I'm tired of acting like I don't. I'm tired of denying it and calling you just a friend. I'm tired of shying away from any conversation where your name is brought up. I'm tired of having hope that I could be with you, even when I know it's impossible.

You don't love me and never will.

I know that yet I still have this stupid fucking hope. I miss you as a best friend. I've always valued our friendship more than my feelings, but this is tearing me apart. I can't focus on anything except for you.

Maybe we shouldn't be friends. I mean, all I do is cause problems. I'm glad I helped you that night, but it should be in ended there. I wish I wouldn't say that, but it's better if I do. I want to be your friend. It makes you happy and that's all I want, for you to be happy. I just don't want to ruin things.

You're amazing and sweet and nearly perfect. You don't need me. All I do is make a mess of things. I wish I could take it all back. Actually, no. I don't wish I could take it back, I just wish it wasn't true.

I don't want to be in love with you and trust me, it really is love. Nothing else could explain why I act and do things the way I do. You make me feel like no one else has. It's not butterflies and a racing heart. It's calmness and a sense of being home.

It's like being a small child at home where everything is easy and I'd have nothing to worry about. I know I'm safe and you make me feel wanted and needed. You give me a purpose and meaning.

I want to give up.

I want to just stop being your friend and stop these feelings. I know they won't go away, not that easily, but I'd do almost anything to just go back to us joking around and being idiots together. Back when I never had to worry about feelings or hiding anything.

I just want things to be okay again and I won't give up on getting back to that place, even if I end up getting hurt.

~M. A.