𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

040 | "love" poem edition!

The poem's actually titled 'obsession' and doesn't have to do anything with this book at all. I just thought it went really well with Ella's story.
I wrote this a year ago and simply cannot keep it in my drafts. This probably sounds super arrogant, but I literally cannot get over some lines in this lol. Anyway, enjoy.
tw: self-harm mentions

• • •

and when i love,

i love so very obsessively.

and yet, it rarely spills out of me.

but you cannot see, you would not guess that

i am consumed by my thoughts with my entire being.

with everything there is in me,

with everything that is left in me.

but i have become aware that

when i love obsessively,

it comes from a place of perpetual solitude.

my most bitter, my profound desire for tenderness and emotional intimacy comes from a shameful place of utter self-isolation.

my body, it burns, inside i was set ablaze.

how dare you leave me with such wicked flames consuming every bit of me? were my flames too dazzling? is this why you averted your eyes?

but it is not really you who covered my limbs in fuel, so how dare i blame you?

it was me, blame me, go ahead, tell it to the world.

no water is enough to extinguish the flames.

but if i wait just long enough, 

they will become smaller.

because in the near future i will be entirely burnt down.

or does that mean they became unmanageably large?

i liked to believe that it was me who conquered the merciless inferno,

but the opposite must have transpired.

and i did not notice until it was right before my eyes again. i am taken back in time.

there it is again: the bathroom floor with its cold tiles that have witnessed so much of me.

these tiles that know of my deepest secrets and have seen the most fragile version of me and my innermost sentiments.

and i sometimes wonder

whether smashing them will also erase parts of my everlasting pain.

will i forget?

or will i hurt even more?

more than i can take?

but haven't i taken so much already? so much.

i am freezing on the bathroom floor. my heart, on the contrary, is burning, cannot be calmed down.

deep slumber is calling my name.

but not even my bed is safe from these ardent flames.

what were they made of again?

i cannot remember,

oh, how tired.. i have become.

but the cravings have not abandoned me yet.

your arms, anyone's arms,

please enfold me,

embrace me,

hold me tight.

until it is not your hug that suffocates me, but my tears.

because i cannot take any more.

did i lie to you? did i convince you of the opposite?

but now, oh, my dear, i am asking you to let me become quiet in your arms,

let me rest there until the silent wars in my mind cease.

let me melt and blur into you.

please alleviate my suffering, just for this very moment.

ceasefire, only temporary, yet enough for now.

i am sorry, that is too much to ask for. am i being a burden on you? i know i am. i am sorry. my most sincere apologies for wasting such precious lifetime of yours. i'm sorry, do you hear me?

you can now leave again (but only if you'd like)

but please do not leave me alone.

please do not leave me. (i must sound so desperate and embarrassing.)

however, i would never express that yearning desire to you.

so see me,

read me,

approach me (hopefully not for the last time).

i will then trace the healed scars on your arms.

the pain you inflicted on yourself because you had become numb to the world,
to what it still had to offer to you when you gradually became colorblind.

and i am still desirous of my skin being covered in thin white raised lines as well,

because was it really bad enough if it is not visible to you? would you still believe me? really? my love, my dear, do not lie to me, i beg you, i am begging for your honesty. do you actually believe me? have i bled enough? only you can tell me, because i cannot trust my own foolish words.

these innermost thoughts of mine are not what i would utter, ever.

the panic in my eyes, which are bright with unshed tears, and my damp trembling hands,

maybe that is enough for you to believe me when you look at me; and i cannot tell whether you are about to raise your voice at me or embrace me.

and now that you let me so close as to touch your scars,

i will walk on eggshells around you

because i am afraid i will wound your vulnerable heart even further.

i will, unintentionally. i will hurt you.

and i will leave you because i believe that you are better off without me, although i have not even given you the opportunity to get to know my fears and feelings.

i will leave you to shield you from my capability of stabbing your heart with the sharpest of knives, although you did not even wrong me.

it is still bleeding, and i do not want you to bleed out.

let it be me who bleeds to death instead.

when i apologize to you, does it even sound genuine?

there it is again,

i can feel it again,

it is becoming unbearable.

the flames.

and i am exhausted.

i do not dare open my eyes anymore.

are you still there?

• • •

hope you enjoyed this little special edition. and once again, thank you for still reading this book and even coming back to it to read it again.
take care.