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The snap in infinity war had turned half the population to dust, including the little secret Natasha kept. She didn't even have the chance to tell Steve yet ; she had found out a week before the battle of Wakanda but with the turn of the events and busy schedules, it had slipped her mind to tell Steve. and she never did. For a year after the snap, she grieved silently as they drifted apart. Before the snap while on the run she was fun, flirty and energetic but she seemed so detached, distant and solemn. Something was up but Steve couldn't put a finger on it.
After a year of silence and a seemingly loveless love, Natasha finally called it, saying she needed a break. Steve decided to give her space and Natasha did the one thing she ever knew, run.
Steve found Natasha in Russia 4 years later, still grieving over the loss of her child. He still didn't know and was insensitive, poking her about it until she finally yelled at him.
"You didn't call for four years. Four years Steve Rogers. The least you could've done was called!" She yelled, walking away from him but is stopped by his hand grabbing hers, the exact same thing he did years ago on their mission which she 'jeopardized'.
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"How was I meant to know where you were??!! You ran away!" Steve yelled back, unable to contain his temper any longer. Natasha was right about the one she loved having a temper. Despite a usually cool outer look, the Captain had lots of problems of his own and often took it out in venting during his free time.
"You know i was doing fine before I met you. You're the reason I'm this fucked up." Natasha sneers, glaring at Steve.
"Really Natasha? Who's the one who was there for all your nightmares? Who pulled you closer in the backseat of the rover on our first mission?" Steve says, looking into her eyes with that innocent face.
"You also bit the tattoo on my shoulder-" She smirks a little, referencing their sex life.
"Natasha I love you. Please don't do this. Come back home. i need you." He pleads with her but she doesn't budge., even though something about those words pulls on her heart strings.
"I can't Steve. I can't. I know this sounds insane but I love you too. But I can't bear the sight of you. It just hurts too much I-" Natasha breaks down into a sob. "It reminds me of what I've lost and I can't do this anymore. I know I should've told you but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I didn't know how you would react and I- Oh God you're gonna get mad at me. I'm sorry Steve I really am but I've kept this secret far too long." At this point Natasha is rambling and mumbling to herself.
Steve looks at her and grabs both her shoulders at once and looks at her. "Natasha, calm down, breathe and tell me." He knows that the rising panic in her voice would soon turn to inconsistent breathing, leading to a panic attack ; he knows this all too well.
"Steve, I lost the baby. I lost it. It got snapped away like the others. I lost the baby-" Natasha whispers, her voice shaking.
"Hold on what baby?" Steve looked at Natasha, confusion written all over his face.
"The battle of Wakanda. The snap. I lost the baby-" Natasha confesses as her face stains with smudged mascara streaks.
"Why didn't you tell me? we could have done this together." Steve says, raising his voice a bit, his anger seeping through.
"You already lost Bucky I didn't want to burden you with another loss." Natasha replied with a small voice. Steve wasn't used to that. She was usually so strong and brave. But seeing her weak and vulnerable, he broke inside.
"When did you find out?" He asks again, voice shaking.
"In the cheap motel in Scotland, a week before the battle. i wanted to tell you but with that much going on I never found the time. and during the battle, i was careful not to hurt the baby but when he snapped I lost it. I cant even keep a child Steve. what kind of mother does that make me? I lost the baby and I didn't feel the need to tell you because it was already gone so what was the point? I lost it and I failed. We failed. And the baby paid the price for it. Do you know what its like to lose a child? It hurts. It fucking hurts and there's nothing I can do about it because I lost it." Natasha rambles.
"And you shouldered the burden yourself for 5 years??!! Natasha-" Steve reaches out and holds her in his arms. "You should've told me. We could've done this together, you wouldn't need to grieve alone. imp sorry that happened Natasha. I'm sorry I was insensitive-" he says while stroking her hair.
"I'm sorry. I just-" She chokes on her tears. Steve pulls her into his chest and she buries her face in him, sobbing her heart out, the grief of the past 5 years coming back to her. "I lost the baby. I'm sorry. I- It's all my fault."
"It's not your fault. It really isn't. Don't blame yourself for this." Steve pulls her closer and holds her a little tighter, afraid of losing her for the second time. She calms down, her breathing becoming steadier and she pulls away, gazing into his ocean blue eyes. Steve smiles down at her. "Let's go home."
This time it's Natasha's turn to look confused. She raises an eyebrow, and Steve smiles.
"We found a way to bring everyone and everything back." Steve says as he holds out his hand for her. She takes it with a small smile and the two lovers walk hand in hand out into the cold scenery of Russia.
A/N: angsty ending with a little fluff. i love to torture readers and take them on an emotional rollercoaster. also this is so random but i lowkey miss jonathan gray. like he was a dick and sexualized women but he was so sweet and used to hype me up all the time. and also this is for all the romanogers fans who are anything like me and refuse to believe the infertilely lie and insist upon natasha losing their child in end game. also i sent this to a couple of friends and they all said publish it so here we are.
