˗ˏˋ romanogers oneshots ˎˊ˗

cold and smoky

Natasha was scared, beyond afraid. Half the population was gone, including Steve's best friend and her toxic ex, Bucky Barnes. Part of her missed him and the other part of her wished she had been snapped into non existence and this painful suffering would be over. With a sigh, she swung her legs over the parapet and sat precariously on the balcony, lighter in hand, cigarette in mouth. She wasn't a smoker, none of the Avengers were, but she knew Steve kept a box as a security measure and stress reliever and had snuck into his room to get one. Her freezing cold hands were too shaky to hold the lighter, so she tried and tried, clicked and clicked but it wouldn't light.

Soft footsteps padded across the hallway behind her and she felt someone stand behind her. She didn't need to turn around to realise who it was. Steve Rogers. He put his arms around her and gently reeled her in, knowing what she was going to do the moment he joined her on that parapet. She looked at him and sighed as he took the lighter from her shaky hands. Instead of taking the cigarette from her trembling lips, he clicked the lighter with ease and lit the tip of the cigarette for her.

"Thank you" She whispered softly, breath shaky. Steve didn't say a word but pulled out his packet, the same one she had stolen one from and lighted one for himself too.

They sat there in silence, the cold air blowing against their faces, the smell of cigarettes reeking but being somewhat comforting.

"What were you doing on the parapet?" Steve asks quietly as he strokes Natasha's silvery blond hair.

Natasha shakes her head and sighs. "I can't tell you. You'll get mad."

Steve gives her a small smile. "I thought we agreed to be honest with each other. Tell me, I won't get mad."

No, he was definitely gonna get mad if she told him. She had on many occasions, attempted to take her life after a nightmare relapse or something about her not being worthy enough. Steve however, had somehow always managed to stop her just in time. He had once found her on the bathroom floor, covered in blood after cutting her wrists. There were multiple occasions where she forced herself to throw up and he had came in to intervene.

The truth this time was, she had actually had no idea what was going on. She was lying in bed with the single cigarette she had stolen earlier that day, reminiscing the events of the past week. Suddenly she felt like she was being controlled, something was messing with her mind. Madame B's voice was ringing in her mind "You will never be good enough Natalia." "Love makes you weak." "You're getting sloppy." "You have no place in the world." Her brain had been screaming and red flashed before her eyes, all the innocent lives she had taken as an assassin, all the innocent lives she had failed to save while on missions as an Avenger. The red in her ledger was gushing red.

"I don't know." She whispers softly.

She really didn't know what had compelled her or how she had ended up there. She didn't remember climbing over the parapet or getting up from bed. One moment she had been lying in bed, the next moment she was struggling to light the cigarette, while nearly falling off the parapet, shaking and trembling.

"I promise I'm not gonna get mad or judge you. I just care for you a lot. You're my best friend Tasha, I have a right to know what's going on." Steve whispers, snapping Natasha out of her thoughts.

"Friends? Is that we are?" Natasha looks down as the word rolls on her tongue apprehensively.

Steve lifts her chin so their eyes meet. "You're so much more than that. But I don't know if you're ready so I'm going to give you all the space you need." She smiles a little and he adds softly, "So what were you doing on the parapet?"

Natasha looks at Steve, her eyes darting around his face for confirmation. He nods and she looks down in embarrassment. "I dont know." She confesses. "I really don't know what I was doing there. i was lying on my bed with the cigarette then i ended up shaking while trying to light it. I don't know Steve."

He cups her face softly in his hands, his warm hands numbing her cold face. "You had another panic attack didn't you?" She nods. He gives her a small smile and pulls her closer. "Wanna tell me what it was about?"

"The Red Room. Bucky. Red in my ledger. I'm not good enough." She cries. "I don't know what happened, but I think I tried to kill myself again. I don't know. I can't trust myself. I don't trust my mind. But you stopped me. You always stop me." Steve looks at her and uses the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that are slowly rolling down her cheeks. "Why?" She asks. "Why do you stop me? Why don't you just let me end it? I don't deserve it anyways."

Steve's heart shatters upon hearing this. Seeing this, seeing Natasha vulnerable in his arms makes him feel helpless. She usually puts on a hard facade in front of other, hiding any sign of pain and scars. But with him, she was open, she showed him her dark side and he was always there for her, no matter how dark it got. Be it her traumatic past, her anxiety or her vulnerability, he was there.In his eyes, she was perfect. beyond perfect. She had a heart, cared for people, was constantly putting others before herself, putting her life on the line to save others. She was the glue that kept the Avengers together, the one that showed the least amount of pain but deep down Steve knew she was hurting the most. She hid it so well, one could almost never tell. Around Steve, she showed vulnerability, but was still cautious. on rare occasions she did break down, he was there for her. He knew everything about her anxiety, from what triggered it to what calmed her down.

"It hurts." She whispers and Steve's shattered heart broke even further.

"I know," He whispers as he holds her close and stokes her hair. "But it'll be over soon. We'll get through this. I promise."

Natasha breathes in Steve's familiar comforting scent and a question escapes her lips before she can stop it. "If we're more than friends? What are we?"

Steve sighs and looks at Natasha with a look in his eyes that she knows all too well. He's as afraid as her. "I don't know what we are. I don't know what this is. But I know for sure, I love you. I love you Natasha Romanoff. For all your scars and trauma and hurt, I love you. And you are worthy of my love, don't you dare tell yourself otherwise. And I will never ever hurt you, ever."

Natasha lets out a small chuckle as she pulls the cigarette out from her mouth and knocks the access dust into the ashtray before discarding it. She lets out a puff of air from her mouth and the 8 letters let out a faint whisper. "I love you."

Steve gasps softly. He knew that she probably did too, but he also knew that those words were hard for her to say. "You do?"

She smiles. "Yes." came the faint reply. "I can't believe it took you that long to confess."

Steve smiles back with a boyish grin. "It's late. Let's go to bed," Steve helps Natasha to her room and tucks her tired body into bed.

As he is about to leave, she grabs onto his hand and begs him to stay. He looks at her with confusion written all over his face. "Nightmares." she whispers. "You keep them away. Please stay."

He slides into bed next to her and holds her small body in his arms, the sound of her soft breath calming his. and soon they both fall asleep peacefully next to each other. The air is still cold outside, but where they are, it's warm and cozy.

A/N: surprisingly i didn't write this at 3am after sex, which is the vibes it give me. i wrote this in the car on the way home in broad daylight so yeah. anyways this was kinda inspired by the him and i music video and pinterest's cigarettes aesthetic which im so obsessed with these days its actually not okay lol.