˗ˏˋ romanogers oneshots ˎˊ˗

all alone

Steve stands in the aisle of the church, staring at Peggy Carter's picture in black and white. He sighs, yet another person from his past was now gone too. And he was all alone in this complicated fucked up modern world. 

Except he wasn't. The clicking of heels snaps him out of his thoughts and he turns around, to find the person he had least expected to see. He had hurt her, and if anything, ruined her even. She didn't need to be here, yet here she was, in the flesh. 

"Natasha." her name rolls off his tongue like a familiar feeling. 

"Hey," she whispers. And he can see now that she's nearer her eyes are red and puffy. 

"Hey," he whispers back, afraid to say another word and break her heart. 

"You okay?" okay that was unexpected. She was still concerned for him after what he had done. 

So he answered with the only answer he knew and the greatest lie he would ever tell. "Yeah."

She smirks slightly. "You're a terrible liar."

He sighs. "I know."

"Okay, come here," She opens her arms and he sinks into them as she reaches up and soothes his back. 

He pulls away from the hug after a while, and with a sigh, he adds, "Look I know I hurt you Nat and there's nothing I can do to take that back. I'm sorry."

She looks up at him and sighs. "I know."

"Then what are you doing here?" He's confused as to why she would make a trip down to see him at is lowest even after breaking her heart.

"I didn't want you to be alone." was her reply, without missing a beat. Having been alone most of her life and especially her lowest point, she didn't like seeing anyone else suffer alone. 

"But I-" Steve begins to protest. 

But she cuts him off. "I don't hate you Steve, I've just been hurt by you."

"I'm sorry." He whispers. 

She shakes her head. "Don't be."

He sighs and sinks down into one of the church pews. She sits down next to him, her fingers meeting him and interlacing them, giving his hand a gentle comforting squeeze. "Why do you do this?" She hums in response. "You're always here for me when I need it, even when I don't deserve it. Why?"

Her eyes dart around his and she sighs, the answer escaping her lips before she can stop herself. "No one was there for me when I needed it so I try to be there when you do. It makes me feel better about my past."

He looks at her, his hands squeezing hers back gently. "You wanna talk about it?"

Natasha sighs and shakes her head. "You're not gonna like what you hear."

He raises an eyebrow at her. "Surely it can't be that bad."

"I met James in the red room in 97'. Bucky, I called him James. And he called me Natalia. I was 13 and he was well, complicated. He was my trainer for a while. We called him the Soldier. It was simple, he would train us, we would spar and that would be all. But I found myself attracted to him. And it was this weird feeling that wouldn't go away.. And the Red Room always told us that love was for children so I tried to mash it down but I couldn't. He always said I was his best student so we always had these private training sessions. And during one of those, I couldn't take it anymore so I kissed him. And he kissed me back. The next thing I knew, we were screwing each other like whores. And it was good. It was really good at the time and I didn't know what I was doing but it felt good. And maybe along the way he fell in love with me, or maybe I lead myself to believe that. But he would have these big romantic gestures that I had never experienced before and it was all so new to me but he would like bring me flowers, send me chocolate and all. So, yeah, maybe for a period of time I really really loved him. And then I fell pregnant."

"You what? Wait a minute, how old were you?"

"I was 14." She sighs.

His eyes widen. "14? And you-"

"And I fell pregnant. They don't teach us about contraceptives in the Red Room, they just sterilize you and you screw for information. They didn't take into the account that some of us would do so before the ceremony. But the Red Room didn't know about it. And neither did the soldier, Barnes. I had a miscarriage on one of the missions. I bled out for hours and I held the fetus in my hand for a while. It was so small. It wasn't even half my palm." She sighs and breathes out a breath she had been holding in, wiping away the tears in her eyes. It had been so long ago, yet the pain was still so fresh in her head.

"Natasha, I'm sorry. We can stop if you want," He places a hand on her shoulder and she brushes it off.

"No, it's okay. I can continue." He looks at her and she nods. "After that incident I continued to screw Barnes and I fell pregnant again at 15. This time I told him, he suggested running away and I agreed to it. So I waited after he left that day but he never came back. And it wasn't his fault because HYDRA had given him a memory wipe. I had another miscarriage when another trainer raped me a few weeks later."

Steve's mouth hangs wide open as the next question slips out almost immediately. "You were raped?"

She sighs. "It was normalized in the Red Room. It was something they did for their own pleasure and to torture us. They did it to everyone, even me. Especially me."

"Oh my god," he mutters under his breath.

"At 17, they sterilize you, they give you an involuntary hysterectomy. Take a pair of forceps and rips up all your reproductive organs. It ensures that you never have kids and compromise missions. Makes everything easier, even sacrificing innocent lives for the sake of the job. It's something I'm always so fucking guilty about. I wasn't afraid to sacrifice everyone else to get what I wanted." She finishes, looking at him, who has his mouth hanging wide open. 

He sighs. "God, I really wish I hadn't asked."

"Too much for you to handle?" She had over stepped again, she knew he wouldn't accept her for who she was, for her dark past. 

He shakes his head. "No, it's just that I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I'm sorry I hurt you Nat. And if I could take it all back I would."

She nods and swallows hard. "But you can't."

He looks down. "But I can't."

She sighs, "Then don't." Natasha looks at him, wiping away her tears, "We all do things we regret."

She leans her head against his shoulder and for a moment everything feels just right. Her hand in his, them leaning against each other in an aisle of a church. If we could pause time right here and sit in their bliss we certainly would, but we can't. For Natasha still has to head to Vienna to sign the accords, the bomb will still go off, people will still think it's Bucky, and the Avengers will still fight in an airport in Berlin. 

A/N: oh damn i really went full dark on twisty on this one. vote and comment i guess? anyways ahem i hope you liked it, or at least cried over it? because i cried writing it so many times and i had to rewrite it so many times because the original version was much more, how would i put it- fucked up? yeah, okay, much more fucked up, there's really no other way to describe it. the original version was much worse so if you think this is bad, you haven't seen the worst of it. big shoutout to all the survivors out there im so sorry you had to go through what you went through and while i may never understand what that's like, i will continue spreading awareness and providing a listening ear to those who need it and if you are a victim of abuse, please don't be afraid to speak up and get help. sending love to those who need it.