˗ˏˋ romanogers oneshots ˎˊ˗

bleeding love

T/W: blood, miscarriage, hysterectomy, rape, torture, bulimia, self harm, panic attacks

Natasha had been throwing up too much the past week. And her body was just so weak and fatigue all the time. And a quick google search gave her the impossible. It wasn't possible but the symptoms all added up. Was she pregnant?

She knew it was impossible because of what they had done to her years ago, but with a small spark of hope, she had taken a test. And she had expected to be disappointed and some part of her hoped it was just a fantasy and that it wasn't true because she knew that she was not suited to be a mother. But the positive sign now jumped at her, as if taunting her. It wasn't possible and yet here we were.

Her first instinct was to freak out, because honestly who wouldn't. Especially since she was sterile, the red room had made sure of that with the involuntary hysterotomy. And false tests were common right? She had to pull out her S.H.I.E.L.D. records. Everything in there confirmed the fact that she was unable to conceive and it was nearly impossible. But by some miracle, Steve's super serum had somehow managed to heal all that and against all odds she was pregnant. An ultrasound confirmed it and there were even photos to prove it. But somehow everything about that still felt so surreal to her.

_

It wasn't until she felt the first sign of movement at 18 weeks when it suddenly hit her. She wasn't ready for this. She was stressed, her hormones were all over the place, her sex drive had sky rocketed, her nausea was so bad she could barely keep anything down and the fact that the Red Room had made this impossible wasn't comforting. It was a miracle, but it certainly didn't feel like one because she was in pain all the time. She should have seen the signs.

_

As a precaution, Natasha had taken off work and was assigned desk duty instead but even that was tiring her and she spent most of her days in bed in pain or hunched over the toilet and throwing up.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum. That's what it was called. And it made her already high risk pregnancy even more high risk which lead to stress which lead to her breaking down and going back to her dark place.

_

Her dark place. It had happened before, on countless occasions but never this bad. Panic attacks, bulimia, self harm. She would often find herself forcing her fingers down her throat, as a force of habit and as a reflex to the weight she had been gaining. You have to be skinny Natalia. That's the only way men would you. There were times when she couldn't take the stress and pressure in her head and from her body and she would just cut. The pain on her wrist helped her take her mind off the pain from the rest of her body and the fatigue. But as the red blood gushed out, she ran the risk of another panic attack. The gushing red was just like her ledger, dripping and gushing as it pooled at her feet.

She always tried to do this in secret but Steve saw the signs. There were countless occasions where he caught her doing so and tried to stop her, claiming that it was bad for the baby and urging her to get help. But no matter what she did, she couldn't bring herself to stop. And she was too stubborn for a therapist. So while she suffered inside, the baby did too.

_

A sharp pain made her jolt up from her bed in the middle of the night. It was 2a.m. in the morning. The pain had always been bad, but never this bad. Her hand flew to her belly, there was no movement. It was usually active at this time of day. She attempted to get out of bed but it hurt too much and she was too tired.

And so she speed dialed her baby daddy and he picked up immediately.

"Natasha?" He picks up, hearing her sob and wince in pain on the line.

"Why is this happening?" She sobs. It hurts. Everything hurts. " I can't feel it move. I don't know what to do- I'm scared Steve. Beyond scared actually, I'm fucking terrified."

Steve is shocked and confused. "Natasha, calm down. What's going on."

"I think I'm having a miscarriage. I don't know. But it hurts like hell. It's too late for that right?" She confesses.

"I'll be right over." Is the only thing he can manage to say at the moment. He's processing and she's spiraling. He needs to get to her fast.

She can't hold back the tears as she digs her nails into her palm and gasps at the ever growing pains. He rushes into her room, sitting on the side, lifting the blanket ever so slowly, praying that he wouldn't see what he saw next. He had hoped it wasn't happening but the call from her didn't sound promising and if anything, the excessive amount of blood staining the sheets confirmed it.

"You're bleeding, love" Steve says, tears forming in his eyes as he looks down and then back up at her.

She's in pain. A lot of it. "Shit." She mutters under her breath but it turns into a sob because it simply hurts too much.
⁰
He holds her hand and gently tries to comfort her. They look between one another and she swallows hard, gasping from the shock and from the pain.

"Call Dr. Cho," she whispers through the pain, squeezing his hand just a little harder as another wave of pain ripples through her body.

Three hours later, she and Steve were sitting in Helen Cho's lab as she explained the process. The miscarriage would take days, weeks maybe. But she had to deliver the baby. It might have been 20 weeks but the baby was nearly fully formed. And late term miscarriages were rare and it happened. The cause of it was yet to be determined.

Maybe the Red Room was right after all, she was not cut out for love and she could never be a good mother. That's why the baby left her even before they met her.

She didn't need to see the diagnosis to know why it didn't work out. It was the cervix. After all those years of procedures and rape and torture in the Red Room, and the fact that she had to constantly fuck for information, her cervix was weak and couldn't hold the weight of the baby for long before it tore, which lead to her losing the baby. As she sobbed in Steve's arms, she felt the tears from his cheeks fall onto her shoulder. She was ridden with guilt, pain and anger. She knew that this was mostly her fault. The self harm had harmed the baby in the process.

A/N: play on words because im nasty and evil muahahahaha. also stan me cause i thought of this at 3am in the morning <<3 love yalls. i really went from happiness and mean to be and weddings to trauma and pain and hurt huh. i told you the happiness was short lived and i cant write happy endings. also i did my research on this so its as medically accurate as it can be but dont take my word for it.