˗ˏˋ romanogers oneshots ˎˊ˗

wedding jitters

Natasha paces up and down the the dressing room, her hair and makeup both done to perfection. The only thing left was her wedding dress, currently laying on the arm of the sofa. It was simple enough for her taste but sophisticated enough for a white wedding in church. a simple a line ballgown lay there , the small details of it shimmering in the light. thoughts raced through her mind as her fist closed on her hand, nails digging into her palms. Outside, her bridesmaids were probably ready and waiting. 

Her heart raced and her breathing quickened. Oh crap, not here, not now, not again. Her thoughts in her mind screamed at her: from getting married, or simply the idea of getting married, and to America's Golden Boy, God's righteous man, Captain America, Steve fucking Rogers. She simply could not believe it. 

Then came the pain of the Red Room because no matter what she did, it would always lead back to the Red Room. The memories haunted her waking hours and tortured her in her nightmares. Words not of her own voice echoed in her mind. "You will never be good enough Natalia.", "You have no place in the world", "Love is for children", "To men, you're just a pretty whore and you'll never be more than that", "The red is in your ledger and nothing you do will get rid of it." Natasha would recognize that voice anywhere, Madame B, her former teacher and headmistress at the Red Room. 

She finds herself on the verge of tears as she sank to the floor, struggling to breathe. She fumbles with her phone, blindly scrolling through her contacts and not stopping until she comes to the one that she needed the most but didn't know she was looking for. 

The line rings and the person on the other end picks up. 

"Hello?"

Just the sound of his voice comforts her. But something  inside her makes her whisper, "I can't do this."

"What do you mean you can't do this?"

"I just can't. I'm not good enough. I don't deserve you. You deserve someone better than me. You deserve happiness and I can't give you that." She sobs

"Natasha, you deserve the world."

She sighs, looking at herself in the mirror "Steve, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"I can't marry you." She states bluntly, knowing that he would protest.

"What do you mean you can't marry me?" He's shocked and she can tell it in his voice but he's trying to be calm and keep it together.

"You deserve someone better. I can't do this to you. And I won't." She says with a sigh.

"Natasha please."

"I'm leaving." She swallows hard as she says these words. She really doesn't want to leave, but she knows she has to because she's not good enough for him.

"Give me a chance please." He begs. He's desperate and he doesn't want her to leave, not now, not yet, not ever. 

"Steve," she sighs.

"Where are you?"

She rolls her eyes. "You know, you can't see a bride on a wedding day. It's bad luck."

"No as bad as you leaving."

"Steve," she protests. 

He sighs on the other end. "I can't lose you."

"I'm not good enough for you." She sobs. 

"Natasha..." he begins, at an attempt to comfort her. "You are perfect for me. I know you always say that you're not good enough and that the world doesn't deserve you and maybe you're right. Because the world doesn't deserve you. You're too good for this world, really. You care for people, a lot, even though you don't show it. And you're generous and kind and smart and sexy and everything. Just looking at the way you go out of your way to care for people and the fact that you put everyone else's needs before yours just makes me love you even more. I know you didn't want this extravagance but you still put up with all the rehearsals and fittings for Stark and me to get to this day. So don't ever say that you're not worthy of my love because you are, so very much. I love you, always have and always will and no amount of darkness, pain and suffering will ever change that."

"Steve," She whines, laughing a little.

"I'm not done yet." he protests from the other end of the line.

"Sorry, go on." She wipes the tears from her eyes and makes sure not to smudge her makeup. 

"The red in your ledger isn't gushing. It's long stopped gushing. You do so much good for this world. I'm serious." He continues. She sighs and smiles.

"Okay, I'm not leaving. I'm just contemplating out of this wedding. We'll still be together. But we don't have to get married." She says, looking at herself in the mirror and shaking her head in disbelief. 

Steve looks at himself in his mirror and it hits him. "It's Stark isn't it? He's overdone it again. I know you wanted a small ceremony then city hall."

"Well, yeah, it's kind of that." She chuckles. "But also because I'm really insecure." she adds on with a whisper that even he cannot hear. 

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I just- I really shouldn't have told him should I?" He glances at the hallway where Tony is standing and runs his finger through his hair. 

"No, you shouldn't." She smirks, remembering the day that Tony had found out about them. 

"Should I cancel it?" He asks, knowing that Tony would be disappointed but is determined to do anything to make Natasha happy. 

She contemplates saying yes but doesn't. "After Stark has spent half his fortune to get this 'Romanogers' ship sailing we can't possibly do this and disappoint him." Ah, always the rational one. 

"But you don't wanna do this." He raises his eyebrows, something he had picked up from her and frowns. 

"If I had my way with things Stark would be dead a long time ago so I guess we all have to give and take in someway. Besides, I'm getting married to you. What's the worse that could happen?" And the sarcasm is back. 

"Gosh, I love you. You know that? You really don't have to do this." Steve says with a small smile and deep down he's relieved that he wouldn't need to deal with Tony freaking out on him either. 

"God, I don't know why I freaked out. Sorry." She apologizes profusely as she reapplies her makeup. 

"Hey, it's not your fault. Now, let's go get married, future wife." He adjusts his tie and smiles to himself. 

"Yes future husband. See you at the altar." She hangs up. She hasn't felt like this in a long while, happy. She's happy. And she's happy with him. And that's all that matters. No nightmare or daydream, no trauma, no red room, nothing would ever change that. Because he was her forever and always. Her light in the darkness and her soulmate. 

A/N: oh my god did i just end a story happy??!! omg i ended happily okay well hopefully this makes up for all the trauma i've caused you over the past 662836t723826723718 stories <<3 happy reading my lovelies dont forget to vote and comment!