The Convenience of Narcissism

Chapter Six- The Red Queen

When we are young, we long for consistency. Nothing is more frustrating than having a parent or guardian who does not do what they say. The old adage: "Do as I say not as I do" is one of the first inconsistencies children often discover about their parents. Moral values and core beliefs are built in the young mind based on whether the parent or role model is honest, or hypocritical. This is the moment when your little one will look up at you and then glance off to the right or left because they just spotted your dark passenger. Your inner NARC has been exposed. It's time for damage control. If you intrench now, male or female, you will become their Red Queen, and even years of therapy may not be enough to bring them back from Wonderland.

Like the Devil, the Red Queen is the last person anyone wants to be associated with. For all his tact there are moments when Jesus of Nazareth said things that sound harsh to our ears, often times because we may never have thought of narcissism and Jesus in the same sentence. There are times though when he seems to cross the line. It was during an event that a recovering alcoholic might identify with. Jesus found himself as a guest at a wedding reception when the worst possible thing happened. They ran out of alcohol. Specifically, the wine. Now if there's one thing Jesus was not, it's a narcissist. At the same time, he had only recently come back from the wilderness where Papa NARC had been pressuring him to adopt some NARC like behaviors. The first suggestion was for him to turn some nearby stones on the ground into loaves of bread. Jesus knew his ability to perform miracles was not meant to be used for his own personal benefit. He also knew physical food was not the true source of his life or of life itself. He said this in so many words while always quoting scripture to keep himself grounded.

Being the helpful person, she was, his mother approached him with a problem as if to say, 'do something about it'. Now, Jesus had not performed any miracles yet. So, there was no reason for anyone to be approaching him for assistance. However, Mary knew who he was and what he was capable of as God's son. But she was also like the rest of us influenced by her inner NARC. So, when she suggested that Jesus deal with the wine shortage at someone else's wedding, Jesus responded in a way that might make us cringe. He said: 'What is that to me and you?' Jesus was not going to be manipulated into action. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not saying Mary was an I. NARC but at least for this moment she was teetering on the edge and Jesus' response seems to indicate this.

Have you ever felt like someone you identify as an I. NARC was trying to control you? Of course, you have. That's why you're here reading this. What is our gut reaction when that happens? "Oh no you don't! I am not going to let you get away with that." Our little muggle comes out and we resist giving the I. NARC what they want. Jesus had a point to make, but nothing to prove. This wasn't the same as when the Devil wanted him to act selfishly in the wilderness. Was he going to hold back from helping the wedding party and guests just to put his mother in her place? Absolutely not! Jesus was not vindictive. This is why he is so important in our war against narcissism, both external and internal. He rose, asked the attendants to fill some nearby water jars with water, and performed his very first recorded miracle, by turning the water into wine.

We may have identified one or more Red Queens in our lives, but that is no reason to respond in kind. You should not fight fire with fire when dealing with an I. NARC. Like Jesus we might put them on notice that their tactics are not welcomed. However, we also should not hold back from doing good to others just to prove a point. To do so, would only reveal our own inner NARC for all to see.

When you think of your own personal Red Queen it may fill you with a number of emotions such as fear, rage, and disgust. As you go through your list did you find the word compassion? "You have got to be kidding! Compassion? She had no compassion for me! Why on earth would I show compassion for a monster?" If this emotion is strong in you then you really need to step back and ask yourself one very important question: How did my Red Queen become this way? This question will lead to answers that will help us cope with the maddening behavior that your Red Queen has subjected you to. Every chapter of this book has highlighted the importance of reflecting on our youth. Well, Your Red Queen was young once too.

If you can gain insight into what drove your Red Queen into madness, then you will gain two very important tools. First, you will now have a basis for showing compassion to them. Second, it is a steppingstone to escaping the back to front wonderland in which you may have found yourself. A word of caution though, don't take the story your I. NARC gives you at face value. Extrovert I. NARCs often hate to be pitied unless they are directing the narrative. It may take some time to sort through the seeming contradictions and inconsistencies of your Red Queen but if you're determined to stick to the chess match you will eventually bring her topsy turvy world down like a house of cards.

Remember time is your best friend. Keep time on your side by keeping good records. Chronicle your encounters. Journal if need be, and never give up hope that you can beat your inner NARC and overcome the insanity of your own personal Red Queen.

In the next chapter we will continue to delve deeper into this world of inverted reality. There is much to be gained from getting to know the other characters of this story because the Red Queen has an accomplice, but she also has a weakness. Now sit back and relax because it's teatime. As you turn the page remember to mind your manners.