The Convenience of Narcissism

Chapter Fourteen- A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

When I was young, my mother would often become very disturbed when she saw someone being treated unfairly. She would become hot with anger. If she were watching a television program or a movie, she would often love the good characters and despise the villains in the story. When I say despise what I mean is, she didn't just hate the character, she now hated the actor as well, and would continue to dislike the actor in other roles they might have played in their career. Thank goodness for type-casting.

My mother was always very protective of my sister and me. She would always rally to defend the helpless or defenseless. If she had a friend and someone was being unkind to them, she was the first to cast the unkind person in the role of a villain. If you were in a bad mood or upset or depressed, she could feel it and it would ruin her day as well. As you are reading this you are probably a bit confused since I stated in an earlier chapter that my mother was a skilled narcissist. Am I now contradicting what I previously wrote? Do you now see my mom as misunderstood? Do you think I am mistaken about her? Does she suddenly sound like she is at a different end of the spectrum?

With all this empathy flowing from my mom, could it be that she is actually an empath? She sounds so empathetic, doesn't she? She sounds so wonderful. You are right, she is wonderful. Showing empathy is a marvelous quality. Empathy is defined as: "The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously  experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner." (Thank You Merriam Webster)

Now that's a lot to process, but did you catch what that means? The next time you tell someone you are an 'Empath', please remember this definition. Let's break it down. Empathy is feeling what others feel, which sounds amazing. At the same time that long definition concludes with the realization that this assumed fellow feeling is not supported by the actual evidence of the suffering party's own personal viewpoint. Another way of putting it is: Taking offense for someone's suffering without getting all the facts. For instance, how that person really feels about their situation. Empathy, in truth, is quite similar to what the Bible would refer to as divination.

If we are in the habit of making judgements about people without getting all the facts we will not be remembered for our empathy as much as we will be viewed as presumptuous. We will have arrived at our conclusions by way of assumption, rather than another word, which is similar to empathy but far superior. This word is sympathy. Now you may be sitting there thinking these two words are synonymous. Well, they are not. The words 'sympathy' and 'empathy' are not synonyms. Why you may ask. "Y" is exactly right. You see, the 'S & Y' change the meaning entirely. These two letters cause our feeling for others to become symbiotic in nature. Sympathy includes the missing details of the other person's actual feelings which have now been communicated to the Empath. Now comes the moment of truth. Is our Empath truly an Empath or just a NARC in Empath's clothing?

All true relationships are binary in nature. I'm not referring to numbers specifically. Binary simply means two. With computers, the flashing lights of "0" and "1" are the two parts involved in their operating system. It is also now being discovered that binary is a virtual constant in the universe. It is currently estimated that "up to 85% of known stars in the universe appear to be binary systems with some in triple or even higher-multiple systems." (Thanks again Wikipedia)

What is the point? The presence of binary systems are evidence that a singular point of view is almost certainly flawed. Many like to pretend to have the ability to read people. These people presume that they understand what we are going through when we suffer. These individuals see themselves as an antonym for Narcissism. The irony is a skilled narcissist will often believe with all their heart that they are actually an Empath, however when they're faced with the true feelings of the poor unfortunate soul that they are trying to help, their mood will often shift to one of condescension. Their empathy is uncovered as nothing more than ASSUMPTION.

If the true feelings of their friend do not feed their personal narrative, their wolf-like nature erupts from the fleece they were wearing, and their friend is sure to be lunch. This is not what an Empath wants to hear but as stated in previous chapters; this dark passenger is part of all of us. Continually denying it blinds us to the true reality that we all so desperately need to see. Please don't misunderstand, empathy is not bad, but one thing is missing about it. The "Sy". Drop the "E", add the "Sy" and you have SYMPATHY.

Sympathy involves letting another person express their own feelings to us without interruption and without judgement. This is extremely difficult if we have been embracing our inner NARC for most of our life. Now a trained Empath will tell you, that is exactly what they have been trained to do. That is great. You are doing quite well. So, the real question is why are you telling people that you are an Empath, when in reality you should be referred to as a Sympath? I know this is not a word in the dictionary but maybe it should be. As we read earlier Empathy is missing the other person's feelings, but sympathy includes the missing information that we need most.

Why is this so hard? Simply put, empathy is convenient. There is no need for humility or patience, or listening, or any actual foot work in getting all the details, before feeding on our own personal opinion. In the next chapter we will explore how our recurring guide can help us add what is missing and help us grow. Turn the page if you would like to know what you don't know.