The Convenience of Narcissism

Chapter Nine- Fred Had a Secret

When we were young, we may have behaved in a manner that some consider to be unnatural. If we do not change this behavior or at least conceal this behavior by adulthood, we might find ourselves institutionalized. This behavior is known as having an imaginary friend. Not every child has had this friend. As adults we may not even remember this friend. We carefully use the word imaginary, to protect ourselves from the harsh criticism that will come from others in our lives, if we talk about our friend too much. Regardless of what you believe, this behavior reveals a very important truth about something everyone needs. We all long for the ability to communicate.

In today's world of social networks, telephones, internet, and video conferencing, one would think that we would thrive in this communication wonderland. These tools can potentially fill our every need for connection with the one exception being, human touch. This missing element can be underestimated but many have had to cope with the absence of this feature of community.

Decades before our screens were interactive, one man found a way to fill our need for communication. He had the uncanny ability to make a person who he had never met feel as if he had just placed his hand on their shoulder as if to say: "You matter, and I like you just the way you are." If you watched TV and were a child at some point in the past sixty years this kindhearted man may have spoken to your heart as well. The divine irony is although he had religious training, he seemed to have very little in common with religious people. On the other side of the coin, he had received higher education from university, yet he had very little in common with the critical thinkers who are seeking answers outside of religion. This man was not the greatest man who ever lived, but he knew the same secret that we have been exploring throughout this book. The same secret that Jesus of Nazareth subtly taught with every breath. Who was this diamond, in the rough twentieth century? Most people knew him by his honorific title: Mr. but his friends & family knew him as Fred, last name Rogers.

Fred Rogers had a secret, and he did not take it to the grave. He left it behind as a constant reminder of what we all need, and when we need it most. Before we discuss this secret, we must first put our inner NARC in check. It won't like us making the connections I am about to share. I think most people have heard of Mr. Rogers. PBS featured his programing for decades. You could write books about this man. Many have, even making documentaries and a movie, but before we discuss his amazing contribution, let's talk about someone else who was on a similar mission that we may have missed. His name was Walt Disney.

We have talked about Walt briefly in previous chapters, and I may have given the impression that I thought he was not a good influence. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think Walt and the studio that has continued his legacy have been giving a very specific message for decades as well. Walt and Fred were on the same mission. They were just using different methods to achieve the same goal. I can't be sure if one method is better than another. It is not my place to judge. Through my own experience though, I would have to favor Fred's way as the more effective route because it blows a hole wide open on this topic by not even letting the inner NARC speak. Fred could literally push the mute button on his inner NARC. Walt, on the other hand was teaching the truth about this concept, while making quite a profit in the process. Let's see how he did it.

I started noticing a common thread in Disney movies, specifically the classics, that there was a running theme in almost every animated feature film. The parental figure or guardian in the story is either dead, abusive, overbearing, overprotective, even silent, or some other narcissistic behavior that is sure to make a child see their parent or guardian as a wicked Red Queen. I thought that was horrible. Why is Walt always depicting parents in this way? Then I remembered Fred and started to put two and two together. Fred helped me understand what Walt was trying to say.

Mr. Rogers as he is known by most of us, would enter our home every morning for some sixty years or so, remove his suit coat, put on a comfortable sweater, sit down, change his shoes, look directly into the camera, and explain through the same song, that I matter, that you matter, that we matter. He could speak to every person as if we were all one person. This method did not result in children with big egos, nor isolate one child from another. The little child with darker skin knew Fred was talking to them. The lighter skinned child knew Fred was talking to them. And we all know Fred was talking to both of them because he liked us just as we are. What was the point of this daily ritual at the beginning and ending of every episode? Was he trying to steal our children? For that matter, was Walt doing the same? Not at all.

Let's go back to Walt for a moment. Walt wasn't saying parents and guardians are bad, he was saying: 'If you don't like how I am portraying you, then don't act like a queen who is more interested in her own reflection than her stepdaughter who just needs love not jealousy. Stop being an overbearing father who has to use brute force to protect your daughter from the dangers of falling in love.' Vanity or narcissism is always present in these movies. Unfortunately, this revelation went right over everyone's head, especially the parents who needed the reminders most.

How did Fred send the same message in a very different way? Rather than showing parents and children how ugly humans can be, like Jesus of Nazareth, Fred lead by example, by demonstrating that we don't have to allow our dark passenger to take the wheel of driving our behavior. He knew that the NARC can't be removed, at least not by us. He also knew that a noisy little muggle like that needs an outlet in which to live until a solution can be found.

When people would look for Mr. Rogers dark passenger it was painfully apparent that it was nowhere to be found. And yet we know he had it. Where was he hiding his NARC? He would try to introduce people to it, but no one understood so it was powerless. I really have to laugh. It is so amazing to see someone use Jesus' methods in such an effective way. So, where was Fred's NARC hiding? He kept it imprisoned in a very special place. He called it the "Neighborhood of Make Believe." Where could Fred's dark passenger harmlessly roam free for all to see, in its many facets? It could be proud as King Friday XIII, be crabby and conniving as Lady Elaine, or even a young struggling low self-esteem child like Daniel Tiger. Fred was literally channeling his inner NARC into constructive life lessons. He was using it to grow love rather than hate. He let it spout its ridiculous ramblings where no one could feel sorry for it. He even left it a guidance counselor in the form of Lady Aberlin who could often help the NARC driven puppet overcome some personal challenge.

Sometimes we might think someone who plays with puppets is a little off, dare I say mad. Our imagination is the perfect prison for this dark passenger that we all have; however, I suspect that Fred had an even deeper lesson buried in the name of this kingdom that he frequented using his trolley as a vehicle. That word 'Make Believe'. We read it like it's a compound word. But maybe we still don't see. Maybe, it is really two separate words that form a thought. Maybe Fred was trying to 'MAKE US BELIEVE', in ourselves, that there is hope, that there is something bigger than ourselves, that we are all a part of. Our neighborhood is where our neighbors live. Jesus of Nazareth came from a neighborhood to. Every word he spoke was a road map to loving our neighbors.

Fred Roger's was a hero to children, but he never sought that role. He wasn't trying to start some new religion or become great. He was doing the same thing Jesus had been doing. He was inspiring hope by giving us clues that would help us imprison our dark passenger until it could be removed permanently by a skilled physician with the right tools. He wasn't trying to conquer the world, just his inner NARC. He was also trying to reach out to parents with a method that might wake them up to seeing their child as someone to be seen and heard. Some- one who needs acknowledgement, approval, and love. This is such an important message.

I am grateful every day that someone like Fred Rogers was there during some of the most confusing times in modern history to show us that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. There is a way we can cope now while we're stuck in Wonderland. We can't slay our inner jabberwocky but we can imprison it so it can't hurt us or others anymore. If your child ever walks up to you with fingers pinched but nothing visible in their hand, play along. Accept the invisible item graciously and say thank you. Maybe hand it back. It's sharing time in their personal land of make believe. Your child is just learning to be a good neighbor like you. This was Fred's secret. If you don't believe in a higher power, or God, or Jesus, or religion, then believe Fred, because Fred had a secret that he did not take to the grave, and it is revealed.

In the next chapter we will explore the words of a man who did believe in a higher power. He knew the secret also but be careful this kind of knowledge if not applied could drive you into madness.