The Moment I Knew | On-Going

CHAPTER 25

I stared at him, waiting for him to start whatever explanation he may have. We stayed in the garden, since this is the only place I knew that is safe to have confidential talks.

I'm still mad...but then again, I force myself to listen. I pushed aside the painful thud in my heart. Right now, I need to be rational.

I saw him sighed. "I'm sorry."

Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kanya. Ayaw kong magsalita. Pakiramdam ko, magiging garalgal ang boses ko sakali man.

He took a deep breath. "Yes. I knew about the marriage. I knew that you're the one that I'm marrying...In fact, I was happy..."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. A-Ano? He was happy? Is that the reason why he didn't bother to tell me? Of why he agreed to this?

"...I was happy, because, who wouldn't be happy if they'll be marrying the person they are in love with?"

My jaw dropped at his revelation. W-What? H-He's... he's in love with me?

"I like you back then, Diana. Ever since I saw you...as the days passed by, the more I found myself falling in love. You may find it absurb, but that's what I truly feel."

Hindi ko magawang magsalita. Hindi rin ako makapag-isip nang dapat kong sabihin. I was too shocked to comprehend this thing.

"You have no idea how happy I am when I can finally talk to you, be able to get close to you...because that's what I always wanted, Diana...and I was so stupid to think that you can feel the same way for me...if I just stay with you...if I could ease your pain."

This time, naramdaman ko ang sakit sa puso ko. I am hurting him, right?

"I tried to make you happy with me...I even hope that you will eventually develop feelings for me before you can even have knowledge about the marriage...but I was wrong. Because somebody already owns your heart," he smiled at my direction, yet I knew it better, it's not even a genuine smile.

He suddenly chuckled, seems like he just found something very funny. "It's just a futile attempt to make you mine, Diana...and I'm sorry because I was selfish."

He exhaled deeply. "And then I just found out that they'll marry us in Italy. I didn't know that, Diana. Hindi ko alam na mamadiliin nila ang bagay na iyon..."

I can feel my hands sweating. Nakaramdam ako ng takot para sa sarili ko. All I knew is we're going to Italy for vacation, but I didn't even suspect it as something that would trapped me in life forever.

I fisted my hand. How could they do this? Even my parents didn't bother to tell me. Is it because they know that I wouldn't agree? Kaya mas okay sa kanila na hindi sabihin at i-surprise nalang ako kapag nasa Italy na kami? That's bullshit!

"I'm sorry. I planned to tell you, but I just... don't know where to start, of how will I explain it to you. I know you'll freak out. The very last thing I want is to hurt you...and yet, I did."

He swallowed hard, and looked deeply in my eyes. I saw sadness in it. I couldn't help but to feel hurt as well. Our situation was really messed-up.

"I'm sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, but...let me make it up to you."

I stared at him, unsure of what was he thinking. How could he possibly make it up to me? Could he stop this? Papayag ba ang parents niya kapag sinabi niyang aatras siya?

"The only way for you to regain your business is through us, Diana. That's why, they wanted us to marry, in exchange of investing to your company. That's the union..." he paused for a moment. I remain silent to listen. Seconds later, he continued. "In fact, mas mag-bebenefit kami sa union na ito, that's why, whether I like it or not, the marriage will commence."

W-What? So that means...Mariin akong napapikit. Is there really no way out?

I felt Nathaniel's hand against mine. Napamulat ako dahil doon. Tumitig siya sa akin. Mukha siyang determinado pero hinding hindi makakaligtas sa mga mata ko ang lungkot na makikita sa mga mata niya.

"I will not be there..."

A-Ano? Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko siya naiintindihan.

"...at the date of the marriage. I will not be there."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. G-Gagawin niya iyon?

I saw him took a deep breath and held my hands tighter. "It will be a disgrace on my part, but... that's the only thing I know to make you free, Diana. Don't worry. Their agreement will not be breached. As I said, mas magbe-benefit kami."

Sa totoo lang, wala akong naiintindihan sa sinasabi ni Nathaniel. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay hindi siya sisipot para hindi matuloy ang kasal.

Pero...bakit nasasaktan ako para sa kanya? Hindi ba ito naman talaga ang gusto ko? Ang hindi matuloy ang kasal? Parang pinipiga rin ang puso ko sa ginagawa ni Nathaniel. Pakiramdam ko, nagsasakripisyo siya kahit masakit para sa kanya. Alam kong nasasaktan siya. Pareho kaming nasasaktan.

I saw him smiled. Yet, it's not even a smile of happiness. And I know...

"I wish for your genuine happiness, Diana. I'm really sorry."

Right after he said that, he let go of my hand and left me alone thinking if that's really the best option.

Naramdaman ko na lang ang sarili kong umiiyak. I don't want Nathaniel to do that for me. I'm being unfair. Am I?

In the first place, ako naman talaga 'tong may ayaw. Ako lang naman itong nagpapahirap sa sitwasyon. May choice naman talaga ako, but something's really pulling me back. Iyon yung bagay na ayaw kong mahirapan din sila Mama at Papa.

Kahit galit ako sa kanila, ayaw kong mawala sa kanila ang bagay na pinaghirapan nilang buuin. Pero...may parte sa akin na sinasabing mas gusto nilang mawala ako kumpara sa kompanya. They don't want to lose their business but they didn't even realize, they could lose me.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at nagtungo ako sa aking kwarto. I stared my reflection in the mirror. That's when I realized that I don't want to lose myself either.

This time, I'm making a decision not for anyone else but for myself.

I want them to realize my worth. That I'm not some sort of an object that they could bargain.

I want to do this without any guilt that I let someone sacrifice for me. I want to do this without any remorse.

I took a deep breath.

I've decided.