The Moment I Knew | On-Going

CHAPTER 20

I am...lost. It feels like I have no direction in life anymore. I don't want to think about it. It makes me cry. It makes my head spin.

"You can now submit your papers," the professor in front uttered. Isa isang nagsipasahan ng kanilang requirements ang mga kaklase ko. I don't have to worry about that anymore since si Sebastian naman ang tumapos ng paper namin.

I don't know if I can survive this day, but I'll try. Atleast, I could escape for a while.

The class finished with my mind flying away. Okay lang din naman dahil wala nang  lectures. Pasahan lang ng mga natitirang requirements. Yung ibang prof namin, hindi na nagpapasok pa.

To be honest, di ko na rin maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Gusto kong ngumiti. Maging masigla, maging okay, the usual me. Pero ang hirap pala. Ang hirap magpanggap.

Hindi ko pa nararating ang hinaharap, pero pakiramdam ko, magiging miserable ako. I don't want a life like that. I want to rule my own decision, pero kailan?

Hours passed, and I still feel void.
"Sorry," I uttered, almost a whisper, when I bumped into someone in the empty hallway. Ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko pero pakiramdam ko sobrang gaan ng katawan ko. Para akong lumulutang sa ere.

"Diana?"

In an instant, parang gusto ko na namang umiyak. The very least person I want to encounter at this moment is him. Why does it has to be him?

The pain in my heart throbs. I find it hard to breathe. Yung bagay na ayaw kong maalala, bigla ko na lang naaalala. Parang mas dumoble pa yung sakit. Hindi ko alam, I'm feeling too emotional right now. Siguro dahil nagkandahalo halo na.

I ignore him. I wanted to get away from him as fast as I can. I promised that I won't bother him anymore, and that's the thing I will do. I am just getting along with Julia since she's my friend, and I know, sumasama lang din naman siya kasi nandoon si Julia. We don't have to act as friends kung kami lang dalawa.

"Diana, saglit!" he gently grabbed my arm and slightly tilt me to face him. I can't no longer contained my emotion, so I burst into tears.

"Bakit? Okay ka lang ba?" he asked.

Can't he see that I'm crying? Can't he see that I'm hurting? Why does he have to ask me if I am okay? Clearly, I'm not!

"Let go of me, Sebastian," I said, without laying my eyes on his face.

"Maputla ka, Diana. Tara sa clinic," bahagya niya akong hinila papunta sa kabilang direksyon pero hindi ako nagpatinag sa kinatatayuan ko.

What is he doing? And why he is doing this? Diba 'di naman ako? Diba nga ayaw niya na akong umasa pa? Why the heck is he like this?

"I said, let go of me," this time, I looked at him. I don't care anymore if he saw me crying now. I just want to get away from anyone. I wanted to be alone.

"Hindi p'wede. Matamlay ka at namumutla. Paano kung bigla ka nalang mahimatay? Halika na sa clinic. Doon ka nalang magpahi–"

"Why do you care?! Pabayaan mo nga ako!" I am trying hard to get his hand off my wrist but he is still holding it. He doesn't want to let go. In a normal situation, maybe I will find this really romantic. But my mind is in chaos. I don't know what to think anymore. All I wanted to do was to cry.   

"Diana, please. Pumunta na tayong clinic," he pleaded. I'm still struggling to get away from him but it is just a futile attempt, hanggang sa di ko na kinaya.

Napaluhod nalang ako sa sahig while still pouring out every tear my eyes can spill. I don't know what will I do anymore. Everything is pointless. Everything I planned for my future is nothing!

Lahat nalang ng gusto ko, hindi pwedeng maging akin. Lahat nalang ng desisyon ko, hindi ko pwedeng gawin. I'm a prisoner in my own life.

I feel a warm embrace, shielding my small body with his big physique. "Sshhh," his voice is soothing, lulling me, but my heart stills in pain, and my thoughts are in complete chaos. Ang bigat bigat na. Sobrang bigat. Ang hirap nang dalhin.

"Diana?" I heard his voice. But it seems like it was in a distant, and it was slowly fading away, until I can no longer hear him.

~•~

"She needs more time to rest. She was really stressed out, that's why she passed out," a voice said. "I'll leave you in a moment."

I unclosed my eyes. Biglang umikot ang paningin ko at napapikit akong muli nang mariin. Ramdam ko ang pagsakit ng ulo ko. Parang hinigop lahat ng lakas ko sa katawan.

Then I remembered I was in a hallway with Sebastian. What happened? Did I really pass out just like what the voice said?

I try to move and open my eyes. "Seb–"

"Diana! Thank goodness you're awake! But the doctor said you need more time to rest, so don't try to get up."

I didn't have the chance to finish when he cut me off. My eyes landed at the person standing at the right side of the bed. Hawak ng kanang kamay niya ang braso ko at ang kaliwa naman ay sa aking likuran, inaalalayan akong humigang muli.

"Nathaniel?" I uttered. He's...here. My eyes instantly wandered around the room. Just as I thought na nandito pa rin siya, but no sign of him. What will I expect? I guess, he doesn't want my company at all. He didn't even bother to stay here and wait for me to wake up.

Baka nagmagandang loob lang talaga siyang dalhin ako sa clinic nang makita niya akong lantang gulay na kanina sa hallway. Great. I shouldn't really hope anymore.

Naramdaman kong naiiyak na naman ako. I tried to push that thought aside. I should refrain myself from thinking negative stuff, I'm too emotional right now to handle it.

"I didn't call your parents. I want to ask your permission first," Nathaniel uttered.

Bahagya ko siyang nginitian. Siguro, nararamdaman niyang problema sa bahay ang dinadala ko ngayon.

"I don't want them to know," I said. Tumango naman siya sa sinabi ko at kumuha ng upuan papalapit sa kama at umupo.

Namayani ang katahimikan sa aming dalawa. Siya ang unang bumasag nito. "But they deserve to know."

"How long have I been asleep?" pag-iiba ko sa usapan. I don't want to talk about my parents. Not now. It was a sensitive topic for me.

"Three and a half," he answered. Tumango ako. "You should take a rest more. You need more strength."

Napabuntong hininga ako sa sinabi niya. I really need more strength. I have no idea how will I deal with it. I need to think of ways how to stop that nonsense. I don't want to have a miserable life.

Then I remembered that he could be the one my parents wanted me to marry. I think, it's the right time to ask him if he knows something about it even though I doubt that his parents were up to this. Likewise, he wouldn't agree. I know Nathaniel.

Bigla akong napapikit nang mariin nang bigla na namang umikot ang paningin ko. "Diana, stop overthinking, okay. For now, rest."

I followed what Nathaniel is telling me to do. I lay down again in bed and try to drift my thoughts away from that issue.

"Sleep, Diana. Close your eyes now," he whispered. I did as I've told.

How I wish when I wake up again, everything was just a dream. How I wish, I will forget about it. How I wish, I am no longer suffering.

How I really wish...