Accepting what I cannot

kiss your night terrors

I say I am a thousand particles put into one vessel of not caring

A reason for a mother to scream about her skin tearing

A bundle of joy that quickly turned into a pain in the ass

A reason to never see the bottom of a glass

I have wandered far from my family photo and walked into another

Not even a note for my youngest brother

You would understand if you knew my dad's put his hands to my throat

Put a knife to my stomach played it off as a joke

"Take a joke" rephrased as "take your own life"

And whichever way it is meant believe me I have tried

Three AM moms out of state and I am looking for her gun

Few drawers in I find booze and it is the closest thing to feeling loved

Scared of death three hours later

I realized dying is not the answer, so I fucked around with razors

I cannot hold myself responsible if it is an accident

But if I live, I will hide my blood in the contents of a cabinet

My father tried to kill himself with me in the car

So, I stole my mom's keys to get rid of me, but I never made it far

I turned the key and panicked when I heard the engine

Another me took over and said my life's not one to be messed with

And he snorted my anger off the dashboard

That is when I woke up naked holding my old passport

The next night I stole DVD porn

Touched myself to vanilla sex because I was manic and bored

Did it again five times in a row

Just because I was pissed there was not one Goddamn cigarette at home

And if I cannot self-destruct, I will break my own dick

I can drink every ounce of wine cooler there is and make myself sick

If I cannot get tied up, I will give strangers my address

Because that's how scary life gets when you are alone as an addict

And I will make my friends buy me food so not eating feels like a choice

Make myself puke so I can hear the concern in someone's voice

So, someone please tell me for once that they care

And keep me from taking kitchen scissors to my hair

I am addicted to feeling like a monster

To feeling such extremes that I make my eyes water

I cannot easily throw away the urge to self-detonate

Because I have gotten so used to immoral and strange