I say I am a thousand particles put into one vessel of not caringA reason for a mother to scream about her skin tearing
A bundle of joy that quickly turned into a pain in the ass
A reason to never see the bottom of a glass
I have wandered far from my family photo and walked into another
Not even a note for my youngest brother
You would understand if you knew my dad's put his hands to my throat
Put a knife to my stomach played it off as a joke
"Take a joke" rephrased as "take your own life"
And whichever way it is meant believe me I have tried
Three AM moms out of state and I am looking for her gun
Few drawers in I find booze and it is the closest thing to feeling loved
Scared of death three hours later
I realized dying is not the answer, so I fucked around with razors
I cannot hold myself responsible if it is an accident
But if I live, I will hide my blood in the contents of a cabinet
My father tried to kill himself with me in the car
So, I stole my mom's keys to get rid of me, but I never made it far
I turned the key and panicked when I heard the engine
Another me took over and said my life's not one to be messed with
And he snorted my anger off the dashboard
That is when I woke up naked holding my old passport
The next night I stole DVD porn
Touched myself to vanilla sex because I was manic and bored
Did it again five times in a row
Just because I was pissed there was not one Goddamn cigarette at home
And if I cannot self-destruct, I will break my own dick
I can drink every ounce of wine cooler there is and make myself sick
If I cannot get tied up, I will give strangers my address
Because that's how scary life gets when you are alone as an addict
And I will make my friends buy me food so not eating feels like a choice
Make myself puke so I can hear the concern in someone's voice
So, someone please tell me for once that they care
And keep me from taking kitchen scissors to my hair
I am addicted to feeling like a monster
To feeling such extremes that I make my eyes water
I cannot easily throw away the urge to self-detonate
Because I have gotten so used to immoral and strange
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Accepting what I cannot
PoetrySynopsis After years of unresolved trauma, I have decided to write a book consisting of poetry that I have written in some of my deepest moments of self-reflection. Some bittersweet, others uncensored with raw emotion. I mention both the strugg...