Accepting what I cannot

You know better than I

Crossword puzzles have yet to meet my pen

I cannot spare any letters for there is far too much to send

I wait for you, but I know you may not hear the bells

The ones in celebration of me conquering my hell's

Baby showers acknowledge your presence, but they'll still never see

How much you've really grown on me

Their grandmother may never hold

What I have made when I have already grown old

An ache in my body a memory of the kid

Who held his grudges to his chest until he learned to forgive

Perfection in the expectation of parents

Becomes unrealistic in the form of a fear of the barracks

How Grim can take anyone as she please

For lovers and family are but a temporary commodity

And she knows of the hunger pains

The fear of abandonment that courses through my veins

Death is not the individuals' fault

But when you do not live forever blame is one of your many flaws

And when I go, I know some will be angry

Resentful that they could never save me

Regardless of how we have met eyes

Grim will one day hold me close and I will no longer fight

But I refuse it being anytime soon

Protection from lit candles becoming a stereotype about brooms

Candles for mourning they are candles of prayer

Candles so I can still feel and still care

About where I go and about who I kiss

About whom becomes the father of my kids

Because I will always hear your voice

Telling me you may express your concerns, but it is always my choice...

When it comes to how fast I fall

The expression of feelings I continue to stall

The fragments of me I wish to fulfill

The other half of my children's build

But when you are gone my world will be nothing but still

With the guilt of the part of you I killed

As an angry teenager reliving the war

I wish I never saw you as the enemy, I would have been nicer if I had known what the next few years had in store

I still do not know what it is like not to scream

What it is to be sober what it is to feel clean

I need tragedy to feel like a dream

I'm sorry you only saw me when I would bleed

I am sorry for burning my perception of you in Los Angeles California

I am sorry I talked to much and I am sorry for the times I have bored you

I wish I knew how to bring up subjects that you found important

Instead of calling you from Jacksonville when I needed an abortion

And I fear the day I have to say goodbye

For that is the day these tears will no longer hide

The day I will be forced to let them inside

It will be a wake within every silent car ride

That will be the day that I learn how to drive

The day I appreciate the beauty of talking to ghost on an hour long high

Because I did not hold on tight enough when you were alive

I am still ashamed I tried to steal your van so I could crash it and die

Because now I know what it is like

To be so afraid of dying you want to drive off to the side...

The side of the road and let a higher power decide

Whether or not you get to make it out alive

I wish I could cure the cancer that has been wrapping around your bones

But I just see hospice being the destination after you leave your home

I cannot beg you to not go away

I cannot be God I cannot manipulate fate

And I will not pray for you for it goes against your wishes

But I sulk because you never had the time to heal from your surgical stitches

In your memory I promise that I will grow stronger

But God fucking damnit I wish you would stay longer