Accepting what I cannot

Therapy makes brain go "ahhh"

I have Ghostface tapping on the window waiting on someone to turn on me

Drug induced psychosis feeling the vibrations of words in someone else's conversation starts to gnaw on me

He cannot hear your heart love do not give away your cover

Do not shovel up your body trying to find something meaningful down under

Puking out earth worms well the alcohol did kill something

Just not the thing from which I have been running

Another part of me is rotting away

But I cannot stand the reality of decay

Death's an ugly process I have seen it in my dreams

Death is a beautiful process when you know she was at peace

Do you hear me? God, I hope I'm awake

Please tell me this is therapy, and I am not at her wake

You are spinning in the viewpoint of a baby's cradle

Was it valium in the bottle that molded my fathers fuzzed out fables?

Blood coming out the crevices of a child's teeth

They tried to teach them not to devour the inside of their cheeks

They have anxiety generalized, a panic disorder

The stomach cramping of a chronic worrier

Did it happen?

Am I simply scared?

Was there blood on satin?

Where did he put the ripped-out clumps of hair?

"I don't need to know"

"I am sure that you don't"

"I do not need to when I can just remain in denial"

"was that the set of thought the last time you were suicidal?"

"why are you so set on pointing out in every which way that I am wrong?"

"I am just trying to give you a different perspective it is just a part of my job

Just remember the one who is getting paid

With every set of advice, you refuse to take"

I pause for a minute and she clicks her pen and starts to say

"now I am not trying to lecture I just am giving you the tools

So, whether or not you get better is truly up to you"

"fine but I don't want to quit drinking"

"I have told you before it is not safe to keep liquids on a ship that is sinking

You have time to repair the damage

Why are you trying to get drunk instead of acknowledging the crash that just happened?"

And that seems to be the part where they manage to penetrate my mind

I never told them about the little girl that died

But I have ghosts show up to my appointments when I go to therapy high

They must think what I am saying is from normal PTSD, but I promise I have already been well out of my mind

I know the tastes of a classmate's brains after their suicides

So that is what it feels like to not want to be alive

Thanks, looks like you left in your will

Can no longer wave to their bodies after school, they have all been killed

You want a stupid argument after the source is gone

How you would bring them back just to be able to hear them prove you wrong

"silence why is it you do not silence?"

"do you just want me to explain that I have grown comfortable with the sound of domestic violence?"

"no, I want to hear you process out loud what you are well aware of"

"how do I say quietness does not feel safe when I am in love?"

Just to be cut off and told that is the end of our session

Guess next appointments going to revolve around my sensitivity to rejection

"we will touch this topic again next appointment"

"well that is if I remember sorry for the disappointment"