Accepting what I cannot

Parents of my parents

Once again, I am in junior high

My heart aches the same but for once I am enjoying life

No more quotes about kissing scars because I am far from where I came

Knowing if we ran away, I would never have to hear the grieving in their voices when they called my name

This current day I work in a place that does not ask me to pray

A job that pays without a God saying there is sacrifices to be made

You say when the world spins, I stare off into a world that is nonexistent

So, you step into my head to keep the monsters at a safe distance

You have me look towards you and put my false perceptions into your eyes

And when it comes to you how I see myself cannot survive

I never knew what it was like to walk these marble floors

Now I see the hinges with their doors

This house we built is nothing like the one in which I have died

Thrown with the wolves my parents called lovers and eaten alive

I remember when I dragged those dogs to their graves

It was far before I grew older and forgave

They walked on tombstones saying it is not too late

And I should have buried them because of how they would sit there and wait

Now there are no beasts to feed

No sharks within the water I bleed

And maybe I visit this place once a week

But the bodies are gone the place no longer reeks

And maybe the ghosts still blame me for their misfortune

Hurt yet in awe that they are not the ones I worship

Now I fell in love with the good that thinks he is bad

And these graves become gardens every time you kiss my hand

And I will try to believe it when you say I am not the parents of my fathers

It was not my job to save them or give them a daughter

You see me as the person I wish I was

And I see you exactly the way you are, joking that you have no room to judge

And I promise I will be ok if you have always been right

Because maybe I would love myself more if I saw him through your eyes

No more cigarettes after school, no more people to keep alive

All the hurt I have embraced is now stored safely in the back of my mind

I can store it there knowing it is ok to look back and cry

But I do not have to do it on my own, and happiness is not required but there is a reason to try

The days you say it is ok to drink

I swear I hear you talk and my head repeats "this is how a person should think"

I love you just as much sober even on days I wish I were you

Seem so put together on the outside even though you have to say "if only you knew"