Accepting what I cannot

Mr. Jay

I rue the day where I learn to say "no"

That will be the day I will have to let go

Tell my younger self they are not mature for being older

They are sophomoric and I cannot bring myself to understand why you accepted this form of torture

Lips feel less coarse as you grow able to demand the respect that you give

Step back and breathe just take these last few years to enjoy being a kid

Grown men will jeopardize your life

What the hell were you thinking? He is well over thirty-five

It Is hard to find my visage in the car window

Easier to find it in the imprints of someone else's pillow

Love is not always unkind despite the fact somedays it may feel futile

That the first taste will always be brutal

Influenced by the books you read about vampires in Transylvania

The cartoons you watched and an aunt and fathers mythomania

Nineteen and I still cannot rip out the pacifier

That makes me forget to take the clothes out from the dryer

Forget my teeth they still remember the words they wish to say

Not a soul that can get me drunk enough to pray

Not a soul that can soothe me to sleep

So, they wait till I am drugged up enough to agree that they should pack up their things and leave

But I prefer it over getting me so buzzed that they could suck the blood from my teeth

It is easy for me to accept it when I have not been laid in weeks

Mr. Jay where are you I think I need the rush

It is ok if you kill me, I just want to be touched

Self-destructive tendencies shove their way through

I am not an addict if I am the one who is asking to be used

The alcohol is the one that is begging for me

The shitty men and their partners are the ones that try to lure me into the depths of their sheets

I am the mistake that turned please into consent

He counted me as points, but I never said yes

So, him for the win I hope I am seen so much more than some score

Maybe a win and not the school's whore

Daddy issues never let me say no

So, the boys manipulated a yes out of the "I do not know"