My Journal

Fi

1/28/21 — 12:46 PM

Emotion is such a big part of my life. It drives almost every decision I make. I know this isn't healthy, but it's my reality. My emotional reality. How I feel about a person or situation dictates my actions. And I've tried to be a more "logical" person, but how does one do that? How do you make a decision that you don't feel is right? I rely so much on my intuition, and it's never failed me, at least I don't think so. But logic? Like, for example...

Wait, in thinking of this example, I just realized that I do use both logic and emotion to make decisions... But only trivial ones. My example was: I can either choose to eat a slice of cake or grapes. I love grapes, but let's pretend like I don't. Objectively, grapes are more nutritious than cake, so the logical decision would be to eat the grapes. But I'm more in the mood for cake. So which do I choose? Realistically, I would find something else to eat that is both delicious and nutritious because dichotomous choices like those rarely exist in the real world. God, I went off on a tangent. The point is that I use a balance of logic and emotion when making small decisions, but the bigger ones? Not so much. Let's get into the recent events.

So I had a bit of a breakdown last night, which I now realize was a PMS breakdown. It's funny; I never remember irritability being a PMS symptom of mine in HS. (Then again, I was always irritable in HS to the point where I diagnosed myself with BPD.) Anyway, I went off on everyone and cried about everything that's bothering me in my life—career pressure, family dynamics, etc—and went to sleep stressed. Then this morning, my cousin whom I completely and coldly cut out of my life for reasons that would take too long to type out—briefly visited the house and my mom loudly asked the both of us, "WhY aRen'T YOu GuYS SpeAkInG tO eaChoTHEr?" So, so awkward. And I just had to get out of there. And I wish I could hide the emotions on my face. And I wish I didn't lash out last night. But my emotions, man. They're the boss. And it's probably very immature to allow them to dictate everything, but they've always been in control. I've been called "sensitive" since I was a child. I'm just very in tune with them. I cry almost everyday, you know, and crying feels as natural to me as laughing or yawning. I've never not been a cryer.

People who do not make me feel good are not allowed to be in my life (unless I'm dependent on them, which is part of the reason that I'm striving for complete independence). Is that selfish? Probably. I know people aren't perfect, but I can't have relationships with people who, for the most part, drain me. My toxic trait is shutting people out prematurely. It's what I did to my best friend in freshman year. And the thing is, I don't miss her, but I wish I never did that. I just know how much my feelings affect me, so I have to protect them, even if that means creating a mental world where only the most worthy of people are allowed to reside, a world my boyfriend and I refer to as "fantasyland." Only a few people are invited. These people aren't objectively "the best" people, but I like them. And I trust them. And I enjoy their company. And I actually care to talk to them. And they make me feel good.