My Journal

Attachment

5/9/2025 - 5:34PM

I need to keep this entry short. I need to work.

It's all come together recently. Many of my questions have finally been answered.

I wonder what my personality would be if it were different?

I am the way that I am because I was emotionally abused and neglected by my mother.

*I am the way that I am because my mother emotionally abused and neglected me.

I will no longer allow my relationship with my mother (or lack thereof) to affect my personality and attachment to others.

What happened, happened. But I'm almost 25 years-old, and it's my responsibility to heal.

I thought I was just painfully shy, painfully introverted. I thought these were simply personality traits.

But reading down the list of traits of someone that was emotionally neglected changed everything.

It's hard to research emotional neglect without breaking into tears because I feel so... seen.

And angry.

She's apologized. She's been apologizing. But I still feel nothing toward her.

No, I feel something. I love her. But my love toward her feels so different. 

The emotion that I feel at the forefront is guilt. I should feel more toward her because she apologized. No one means to hurt their children.

And she was emotionally neglected, too. It's a cycle. It can be a cycle if no one identifies the problem.

But my body will not allow me to trust her ever again. (See: Let Her Go, India.)

My body physically won't allow me to let her in again.

I wish I could because I know that she won't be here forever. And guilt is the worst emotion.

She's trying to be better. And she is better. And it's her first time living, too. And she's hurting, too. And she was hurt, too. And she resents her mother, too.

I'm being cruel. I'm cruel!

I learned recently that I have a disorganized attachment style, also called fearful avoidant (FA).

Putting names to what I experience has helped tremendously.

I feel as if this is a big turning point for me. I've never been this aware of myself. I've never understood myself in this scope. It's a lot to swallow.

I want to meet myself beneath the pain. I want to meet the version of myself with a secure attachment to people. I want to meet the version of myself who can have a normal conversation with people that I'm not familiar with. Who would I be if I could casually exist in a social setting?

Who could I have been?