My Journal

Since Then

10/17/2024

A lot has changed.

I moved in with my boyfriend of eight years. Life has been so peaceful. I turned 24 a few months ago. I've been learning a lot about myself: what I like, what I don't like, what I want my life to look like. I have some new struggles, but for the most part, life has been good.

I need to keep this entry short because I have to finish some work. Still a full-time YouTuber. Really part-time because I can't focus for more than four hours a day. Which is typical. I'm very grateful to be my own boss and choose my schedule. I love my 3PM naps. I cook dinner for my boyfriend most nights. He cleans.

I'm starting to feel disgust toward strangers. I've become somewhat of a germaphobe but only to foreign germs. I'll kiss my boyfriend's feet, but the smell of a stranger's cigarette smoke or perfume or body odor disgusts me to no end. I cherish my showers after bus rides to the grocery store. (Still don't drive.)

But it's not just strangers' smells. People in general just disgust me sometimes. I was watching the new season of Love is Blind recently. Great show, but I often feel disgust just hearing the cast speak. I don't know why. I have an idea why, but it's hard to put into words. It's disgusting how performative socializing can be, especially on a reality T.V show. (Laughing to be polite disgusts me in particular.) And it's disgusting how—

Entry cut short.

3/19/25

I know why I've been struggling to connect with people. Struggling to care about anyone besides my boyfriend. I don't miss people when they're away. I'm very private with most people, only selectively sharing information when I feel that it is safe to do so. And even then, no one hears the full story.

I am very skeptical about others' intentions. That disgust that I mentioned earlier remains. But none of this applies to my boyfriend. He is the only person that I trust. Everyone else seems to reek of insecurity. I'm afraid to have relationships with people who have deep insecurities. Because I've learned that insecurity is the root of most of the pain that people inflict onto others.

I don't trust anyone that seems insecure. And I don't mean on a surface level. I mean the people that seem to hate themselves and their lives. The people that are resentful or regretful. The people that are jealous. I'm very afraid of them.

I've been asking myself for years why I can't seem to connect to people. And I've known that it has something to do with my strained relationship with my mom. But I couldn't connect the dots. But my mom and I had a phone call this morning that made it clear...

Of her five siblings, she only has a good relationship with only one. And she has the most resentment toward my aunt, my closest cousin's mother. And growing up, she warned me that I need to protect myself from my aunt. She warned me that my aunt is deeply insecure and that she ruined my mom's hair as a child so that she could have longer and more beautiful hair. She now warns me that my other aunts and uncles are just as nasty and that I need to protect myself from them, too.

She's not exactly wrong about them. I see the patterns that she warns me about. My aunt is as insecure as she describes. I noticed on my own as a child.

In short, no one in my life has been safe. No older adult, that is. There was no one that I could confide in without fear that I would be manipulated. Not even my mom herself.

Actually, my dad was absolutely safe, and honestly, I am so grateful that I don't have daddy issues. I can confidently say that my relationships with men have been fine. Not perfect because people aren't perfect, but fine. Secure. 

But girls? Women? It's hard to connect with them. I have so many walls, and for the longest, I couldn't figure out why.

But that phone call... There has never been a perceived safe adult woman in my life. Children are different. They haven't fully developed an ego, even in high school. 

But in college, I began to feel an aversion to community. I liked being alone. I felt as if I didn't need anyone else (but my boyfriend). I didn't trust most people, but... 

I did have a wonderful friendship with one woman that I trusted wholeheartedly. We had a falling out in sophomore year, but I did trust her. So I know that I have the capacity to love and trust women.

But my body is so averse to it. And I've become hypersensitive to the insecurities of others. Sometimes I don't even trust my favorite cousin. She has such deeply rooted insecurities, and I love her, I do.

But I'm scared. I'm scared of being a victim of those insecurities. I'm scared of being manipulated or taken advantage of. I'm scared that my love for myself and my life—my light—will be drained by her darkness.

But I know that the foundation of maintaining my light is to remain secure in myself. To trust the loving intuition that has developed as a result of loving someone who has such a secure relationship with himself and others. He is a truly safe person. The way that he loves others, not just me, is entirely warm and safe, so I know that there are people who love genuinely. They exist.

And for the past 8 years, I've learned how to approach the world as if this love exists. I've learned that not everyone is out to drain my light; I've seen firsthand how good people can be.

But my light has been drained before, and I never want to feel that again. So finding a balance between trusting and protecting is the challenge. And protecting is my default. 

I'm scared. Because I love myself and this life that I've built. That we've built. These habits that I've developed. This mindset. My life is so beautiful, and I refuse to share that with a vampire.

Never again. I'm never letting go of myself again.