My Journal

Emotional Abuse?

July 20, 2019

There's too much to cover about my mother in one entry, and I don't even have the energy to explain even the gist of our horrible relationship. Just know that I have decided to distance myself from my mother. I always seem to forget how much she hurts me mentally and emotionally. She's caused each and every mental breakdown that I've had, and I have at least one every time I visit her. No one hurts me as much as she does. I've cried every day since I arrived at her apartment two weeks ago (not including the five days I spent at my boyfriend's house). I wish it were different. I wish we could have a good relationship, but that has proven to be impossible. I'm disappointed, but I must move on so that I can be the best person that I can be.

August 3, 2019 5:15am
[Emotional] abusers will harm you one minute and praise you the next. Do not allow the praise to negate the abuse.

Mom was really affectionate on my birthday as if she didn't completely tear me down days prior. That made me uncomfortable. I responded positively to avoid starting an unnecessary argument, but I was actually annoyed—and a little confused. I'd decided to limit my contact with her after I left her city, but after she sent those messages, I began to question if she really treated me as horribly as I remembered. In fact, I've been questioning my judgment a lot lately, and I suspect it's because Mom constantly claims that I always overreact, that I distort others' words and tone in my mind, and that I am in desperate need of a therapist. I'm constantly asking my boyfriend, "You'd be upset about this, right?" or "Am I blowing this out of proportion?" It's maddening, but being aware of the source of the doubt helps me to combat it.

I did not sleep tonight. I've been really, really angry 'cause she told me to "calm down" on a phone call two days prior. What angered me was not her words, though; it was the fact that I was calm. Slightly annoyed but calm. Yet, she told me to "calm down" as if I would explode any minute, as if I have anger issues or something. At first, I questioned if I'd even interpreted my own tone correctly. Was I raising my voice? Was I being cold? No, I was not.

Anyway, tonight I Googled "emotional invalidation" again to make sure that it isn't dramatic to think that my mother emotionally abuses me. (It's not.) And as I'm researching, I come across this term: gaslighting. When I read the definition, I am taken aback.

Gaslighting (n): to manipulate (someone)...into questioning their own sanity (Google Dictionary).

I read that someone gaslighting and emotional invalidation often go hand-in-hand. One website mentioned that gaslighting can come in the form of making someone question their perception of the friggin' world. Are you serious? Are you serious!? It was 4:30am, and I was furious.

I fell asleep before I could finish this entry.