My Journal

I Need a Break

6/3/20 - 4:55 p.m

Where do I begin? This past week has been overwhelming. Protests have erupted across the U.S, spurred by the murder of George Floyd by police officer Derek Chauvin. My social media feeds are flooded with images of George Floyd and the countless other Black victims of police brutality and murder coupled with calls to action to end violence against Black people in this country. As a Black person (with severe anxiety), constantly reading and hearing about violence against Black people has driven me into a state of despair. In addition to reading about the highly publicized murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd, I've seen videos of Black protestors being sprayed, tased, and/or beaten by police officers. Two days ago, I spent the morning crying in frustration, fearing for the lives of my Black family members and friends—and even my own.

While I want to stay informed about the current campaigns within the Black Lives Matter movement, I want to take a long break from social media. I deleted the Twitter app days ago, but I can't seem to stay off of Instagram. Part of the reason that I am reluctant to leave Instagram is the fear that my peers will think that I am ignoring the issue by "staying silent." I've been posting resources on my Instagram story since the protests began, but if I don't post for awhile, will my peers think that I don't care about the movement?

I've been asking myself this question since I began posting. I've wanted to take a break from social media since seeing a video of two Black people being tased unconscious by the police during a traffic stop, but the immense pressure from my Black peers to post about the movement keeps me online. At first, I posted resources on social media to support my fellow Black peers, but admittedly, my recent posts about the movement have been performative. While I am whole-heartedly invested in the Black Lives Matter movement, I have never been a very vocal person on social media, and my frequent posts about the movement have not been coming from a place of passion but from fear of rejection.

Recently, I removed over fifty people from my followers list on Instagram. This decision was somewhat connected to the aforementioned pressure I felt from my peers, but it was mostly spurred by an argument that broke out in my university's Black GroupMe chat. In short, I wanted only the people who know my character and unwavering stance on the Black Lives Matter movement—regardless of how much I post about it—to follow my private account. This left about thirty of my close friends and friendly acquaintances in my followers list.

Now I feel more comfortable taking a much-needed break from Instagram, as I can trust that my followers will not judge me for not posting for a few days. However, I'm having trouble staying away from another social media platform for an entirely different reason: Reddit.

I own an anonymous account on Reddit in which I chat with others in various group chats. It is widely known that Reddit is full of racists (as is the world), and I've encountered my fair share throughout my two months on Reddit. I haven't left Reddit during this time because I feel obligated to educate those who are ignorant about Black issues, especially the racists. Two nights ago, I was arguing with an individual that was (is) convinced that the racial gap in IQ scores has a genetic basis.

But while the racists irritate me to no end, they have never scared me, not until today. Around 4:45 a.m, a racist user said something very alarming. He revealed that he struggles to deal with his "rage and hatred" and that he "fantasizes about hurting some people." Given that the media is mostly reporting on the protests against racism and injustice, I inferred that his anger is a response to the current movement. I thought, someone's life could be in danger, likely a person of color's! I sent him a link to a crisis text line and urged him to seek long-term counseling, but I doubt that he took any action. I'm hoping—praying—that he doesn't hurt anyone.

Shortly after that conversation, I opened another chat to find another racist Reddit user complaining about Reddit changing its logo to "n*gger." (Reddit changed its logo from orange to black to show support for the Black Lives Matter movement.) That's when I decided that enough I'd enough; I'm taking a break from all social media.

I'm tired, tired of it all.