Strings (1 of 2)

Chapter 52 - We Are The Same

Nathan picks me up around 7 as promised in his new silver Honda CR-V and hands me a latte for the ride.

It's a long drive in silence, but it's not uncomfortable silence. The air has somewhat changed between us, but overall it's like yesterday's fight didn't happen, like we are somewhat back to the way we were before. But I know both of us know it happened and eventually we will have to discuss it.

Nathan seems a little off, less confident than usual. He also hasn't touched me at all. Normally he places his hand on my leg as we drive anywhere or he kisses me hello. I'm already aching for his touch again. It has been too long without it.

I want to ask why he's not himself, but I don't really have a right to ask questions after how I behaved yesterday. Maybe he's upset with me still - I wouldn't be surprised. I am a little shocked he hasn't brought up Cory yet. I expected him to ask again, despite my ultimatum last night. I'm glad he didn't... but I know the topic will come up eventually tonight. It has to.

An hour later, we park on the top of a hill and I instantly know where we are from the huge glowing letters and sea of lights under us.

I have never been to the Hollywood sign before. It's huge - and wonderful. Everything you see in TV shows.

I grin over at Nathan and his sheepish smile and scramble to open the door and get outside. He follows me and climbs on to the hood of his SUV, stretching his legs out. He holds out a hand to me and I grab it for support to sit beside him as he scooches over. Once I'm up, he drops my hand sooner than I wish and places both his hands in his lap, folded together.

I stare out at the bright city lights below us that stretch out as far as I can see, lighting up the sky.

I have always been in love with lights and stars and anything else that lit up the darkness around it. The glittering brightness in between all the night sky. Something to help you see through the black and gloom. To guide you through and keep the monsters at bay.

Maybe it's from growing up near LA. It's probably more from the darkness I see inside myself that I try to ignore, that I keep lights on to make it hide away and not come out.

I used to drive to looking points - either by myself or with Matt or Dean - and watch the lights in silence to get away from our lives. It always brought me a sense of peace.

Tonight it reminds me of our first weekend together when Nathan took me to the beach and we rode the Ferris Wheel that overlooked the town. I doubt he remembered, but I told him about my lights fascination that night... before he almost killed himself hanging from our seat.

"Have you ever been here before?" Nathan asks, pulling me from my memories back to reality.

I look over to him and smile, shaking my head. "Somehow, no, even though I've lived this close my whole life." I admit.

It seems dumb now, but I never thought to come here. It never occurred to me.

"It's beautiful." I say as I look back towards the lights, my eyes fixating on a group of red lights in the distance that must be for a sign.

Nathan clears his throat and I hear him take a deep breath from beside me, making me look at him again. His guard is down - I see it in his eyes. I can see past the wall he normally puts up and look inside the handsome man in front of me. He's nervous now... anxious. I don't think i have ever seen him like this before in over two months together.

"I think we should talk." My heart beat quickens at his words and I nod reluctantly, wishing we could prolong the inevitable a little longer to enjoy watching the lights in peace.