Strings (1 of 2)

Chapter 35 - Don't Say It

The nurse stands in the doorway with an apologetic smile, clearly feeling awkward that she just interrupted something.

We both stare at her, frowning, waiting for whatever news she is bringing. Hopefully I can go home soon.

"You need to stay here for a few more hours and then you can be discharged to go home and rest." She says and I nod, thanking her, before she turns and leaves. The mood in the room changes to with her departure to a deeper, painful one, warning me in a way of the tough conversation ahead.

Dean turns back to me with grief written all over his face. I already know what he's going to say.

"Em, if I wasn't there... if something happened to you... I... I don't..." His voice chokes and my chest tightens.

"Shhhhh," I place my hand on his cheek, rubbing my thumb gently. "I'm okay. I'm here." I reassure him as tears well up in my eyes. "Because of you." He stares deep into my eyes, like he is searching them for a sign of life - a sign that the old me is inside this mess.

If he wasn't there, I don't know what would have happened...

Every time I fuck up, he helps me. Somehow he is always there to pick me up when I fall - quite literally. I don't know why he even sticks around. 

I'm not worth it. 

I know what people think of me, even my friends. Probably even the sweet boy in front of me thinks it. And if anything was made clear by last night it's that it is true. Deep down I'm just a sad rich girl who can't handle her own problems or emotions. I crumble every time something bad happens, even the smallest things...

Why am I like this? 

Why do I put him through this?

He leans into my palm, holding my wrist to keep my hand there. I look down at his shirt, away from his sad gaze, as tears start falling from my eyes. I can't hold them in despite how hard I try.

His grip leaves my wrist and the bed dips as he sits in the space beside me to be closer. He brushes his thumbs under my eyes, wiping away my tears as they fall with a worried look.

My next words come out faster than I can process them as my mind spirals.

"I'm so sorry. I'm such a mess." I say through sniffles as he shakes his head, still wiping my tears. "I'm so stupid. I don't know why I took that shit... I wanted to escape, just for a bit. But I'm an adult now. I know better." I huff. "Fuck, I knew better back then too. That's no excuse."

I look up to meet his eyes, my own filled with regret. "I hate myself for you having to come save me... again. Every time something happens I do stupid shit like this and fuck my life up more. I hate myself for that too. I don't know why I can't just process stuff normally."

I know I'm rambling but I can't stop the words falling out, all my deepest inner thoughts exposed.

"I really don't know why you are still here. Still helping me. I don't deserve it. After everything I've put you through and after I left three years ago... god, I couldn't even handle that right..." I squeeze my eyes shut. "I'm a fucking mess." I say again.

"Hey," Dean interjects my confession. I shut my mouth finally into a tight line, my eyes still shut. 

"Look at me." He commands. I reluctantly open them and stare into his. 

"Don't ever say you hate yourself. Ever." He says sternly. I blink at him silently. I know what I said was true, but I won't argue with him.