Three's a crowd

25

I placed my hand on his chest over his heart. I wanted to few his reaction to what I was about to say. He could hide his emotions but he couldn't change his heartbeat.

"So I'm a little worried about our trip, well not all of it, just you know the intimate part." I began as he continued to play with my hair.

"It's just.. well it's a few things but Riles what if we regret it? I want to be honest with you but I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot, like if it hurts, or if it changes us, or if it makes you realize you want someone better. I almost feel as if this bubble of not knowing is safer. At least like this I still have you." I blurted.

"Britt." He sighed.

"I'm not done." I cut him off softly. He nodded for me to continue.

"My head is so confused. It's like I'm scared but at the same time I don't want to wait and miss my chance with you. That day at the mall terrified me. I was scared, not for my safety but in some strange way I was afraid of never seeing you again, I'd never being able to touch you or tell you how much I love you..."

"And now, now that Carl is back I'm terrified of what could happen. Sure I know how to defend myself but that only goes so far, and only works if I don't freeze up like I did at the party. Riles I'm scared of going out by myself, scared of the thought of anyone other than you touching me like that. I can't make sense of any of it Riley, of why I'm so afraid of everything. Everything I think about points me to you, but at the same time I'm just scared of what will happen to us after?"

I could feel his heart rate increase with each statement I made and honestly I hadn't intended to cover all three bases in one go, but I couldn't help it.

"Now I'm done." I stated opening the air for his response. It felt like I was holding my breath even though I was definitely still breathing.

"Britt, I don't even know where to start." He sighed before tilting my chin so that I was looking at him.

"Shit." He muttered when my eyes spilled silent tears. "Listen nothing is ever going to change how I feel about you. Nothing. I don't care if we go on this trip and hangout like we always do, or if we do more. I want you to have a good time and even if we do have sex I would never let it change anything between us. I know it's a big deal for you, it's a big deal for me too. I don't exactly have any experience either..."

"I'm never going to let you go Britt, not unless you ask me too! I can't change what happened at the mall that day but don't think for one second that I wouldn't turn time back if I could. I know it scared you and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. Just please don't shut me out. I can't promise that Carl won't be a jerk at school, and obviously there will be times when I can't be with you all the time with football, but I'll do my best. I can promise that I will do everything I can possibly do to make sure that Carl, or anyone else, never hurts you."

"Brit, I love you. I love you more than I thought I ever would. When I found you that day in the park something clicked for me. From that moment on you were all I could think about. At first it was all about making you feel better, helping out a family friend, but when Carl left I realized that it was always you, I was just too scared to admit it. I thought when he left that you would break it off, but when you didn't i was relieved more than I could ever explain. You trust me don't you?" He asked as I nodded through the stream of tears running down my cheeks.

"Well then trust me when I say that I will never hurt you Britt. I want you and only you, whether we have sex on our trip, or years from now when I get to be the luckiest man alive and marry you! You're the only love of my life and you always will be!" He said as he pressed his lips to mine soft and sweet. "Come here?" He sighed and wrapped both his arms around me tightly.

"Don't ever feel afraid to tell me how you feel." He added.
"I love you." I sniffled.
"I love you." He replied.

We didn't say anything else that night. Riley kept rubbing my back as I cried and let his words soak in. I wanted to absorb what he had said.

I trusted him I did, but trust and real life actions didn't always go together the way they should did they? It's like that exercise they make you do when you're in school, where they make you fall back and trust that your partner is going to catch you. For most people it works just fine, but there's always those people, the people that you think you can trust with everything that let you down and cause you to fall to the ground.

Not that Riley had let me fall, that was definitely Avas doing. Me and Riley weren't even really friends back then, let alone dating.

Still it was the same concept. I trusted him with everything I had, but I also knew that it meant I was giving him the power to completely shatter me at any given moment. That was the part that scared me the most. The possibility of ever being without him.

He held me as I cried until my heavy eyes finally closed, exhausted from all the crying. It must be close to my period, I wasn't usually this emotional, but this summer had really taken it out of me.

As my thoughts faded out into the dark of unconsciousness they were replaced with nightmares instead of dreams.

Images of Carl grabbing me, touching me that day, flashing in my mind like a sick movie you want to turn off but can't. These nightmares were different from all the others I usually got.

Somehow they were more vivid, more real. It was as if I could feel his hands on me, touching me as his voice grunted and groaned in my ear. I didn't recognize where we were, but I felt the nausea as his hand slipped between my skirt and under my panties.

I was screaming for him to stop, begging through a flood of tears as he pinned me against something cold. I felt every disgusting moment of his assault. I knew the minute he grabbed me that this was revenge. His voice was cold when he told me he would take what was his and only his.

I wanted to fight back, to protect myself, but I didn't even know where we were. I heard his moans and gruff words of praise when my body reacted against my will.

The clinking of his belt buckle almost caused me to black out then and there. Then I felt him, there. He wasn't gentle or patient as he took the one thing I would never get back. He just panted and breathed heavily in my ear until he was done, then he discarded me as I collapsed to the floor and laughed.

I jolted awake with wet cheeks as Riley woke beside me. Thank god it was just a dream. A terrifying dream that had really put things into perspective. I decided in that moment that no matter how scared I was overall, that above anything, above future heartache or pain, that Riley was the only person I would trust with that part of myself.

"You okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, it was just a bad dream." I sighed relieved.

He wrapped me back in his arms as I laid my head on his chest.
"You're shaking? You wanna talk about it?" He asked.
"Not really. I just want to be with you!" I nuzzled into his chest and held tightly to him.

"That's fine, but you know I'm always here?"
"I do, you always have been and I'm starting to realize that." I sighed as I fell back into a more comfortable sleep. One not plagued by nightmares.

I didn't explain it to him and I tried not to think about that dream after. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that in a few weeks I had decided that I would give myself to Riley.

I no longer cared what came after, or whether it wasn't the perfect experience I had pictured. All I cared about was the fact that I didn't want to share the experience with anyone but him.