Therefore I am Yours | Billie Eilish - Watty Awards 2022

68. LOADING YOU DOWN

Billie POV

I slowly start to wake up from my little nap due to some loud shuffling noises around the room.

I sit up and rub my eyes before yawning.

"Mom, where's J?" Is the first thing that leaves my mouth after - what feels like - five hours.

"She told me she was going to the toilet real quick and then left." My mom answers.

"When?"

I sit up and take my phone, sliding it open and clicking on my iMessages to check if there's anything important. Nothing.

"She left about five minutes ago. You don't have to worry, Billie."

"Nah, ima go check on her. Be right back." I tell her, standing up and trying to balance myself.

Whoa I just wanna lay back down, I fell asleep hard.

I leave the greenroom and make my way down a random hall to what it looks like the restrooms.

I open the door, revealing stalls upon stalls. The next thing that hits me is a disgusting wave of a fucking nasty smell. A mixture of piss and shit.

"Jordan?" I call out, hearing my own echo.

I walk past the first few stalls, pushing every unlocked door open to look for her.

As I get closer to the back, a soft sniffling sound can be heard.

"Jordan, where are you?" I softly speak, standing in the middle of the room. Clueless to where she's at.

I keep making my way down the restroom hallway and stop in front of the very last stall.

"Jordan!" I say, louder this time.

I put my hand around the handle, pushing it down
unsuccessfully, trying to open the door.

"Billie, please go away. I'm fine." I hear her voice silently errupt from the other side.

"No! I won't go away. The fuck."

"Please. You gotta get ready."

I shake my head - even though she can't see me - and start rattling at the door.

"Jordan, no. I'm not leaving. You are coming out. Now."

I hear someone walk into the bathroom, making me snap my head up towards the door.

A girl walks in - about twenty years old - and looks at me weirdly before rushing into one of the stalls.

"Billie?" Jordan asks.

"I am still here, don't worry."

She thought I left.

"I'm finishing up and you can wait for me outside." She tries to convince me, sniffling.

"No, I'm waiting right here." I protest, crossing my arms in front of me.

She sighs again and unlocks the door after flushing the toilet.

She steps in front of me and looks down to the ground.

"What's wrong with you, huh?" I question, lifting her chin up with my index finger.

Her green, watery eyes meet mine and I can instantly feel my heart beat faster. Seeing her sad makes me want to break apart.

Jordan stays silent and walks to the sinks, taking some water into her hands and splashing it into her face.

I follow her and look at her through the dirty mirror, watching her every move.

Next, she grabs some of the paper towels and dries off her face, rubbing her eyes softly and throwing them into the trash can afterwards.

"You ready?" I ask and her eyes shoot up to meet mine in the reflection.

Jordan nods and sends me a weak smile. I take her hand in mine and we walk back to the greenroom.

Jordan POV

When Billie fell asleep, I had a lot of time to think. About everything. And when you're being left alone with your chaotic mind, it most certainly won't end well.

Everything from these past weeks just hit me like an avalanche.

I just feel like I am a huge burden to Billie. The only thing she should concentrate on is her career, her shows and her fans... not a tiring, negative girlfriend like me.

I love her and the only way I could help her is if I just left.

Her vision would be clear again. Her mind full of new ideas.

"J?" Billie speaks, pulling me out of the endless interminability of my brain.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to tell me what happened." She smiles at me, petting the empty spot next to her on the sofa.

I sit down and look into her eyes, getting lost as always. I take a deep breath and start talking.

"I don't want you to deal with any of my problems, Billie. It's all just me overthinking everything."

"No, Baby. I want you to tell me..." She says, stroking the back of my hand with her thumb.
"...please."

Now I am starting to feel sorry for her.

"Okay..." I sigh, looking down at out hands.
"...I feel like I am loading you down with my negativity-"

"What negativity?" She interrupts me, leaning forward to look at me.

"Everything. I am not a help to you, nor am I fun to be around, and I am also-"

Billie stops me by pulling at my hand.

"What are you saying?"

Her eyes turn dark and she looks at me in a way that I have never seen her wear before.

"Bil-"

"No, Jordan. I- I can't hear you talking about yourself in that way. I simply can't. I'm sorry."

Is it possible to hear someone's heart break?
Because I'm pretty sure I just heard a piece breaking away from hers.

The heavy door opens.

"Billie, you're out in five." Some crew member calls out and leaves again.

"I'll see you later then." She says, hesitatingly leaning closer to peck my cheek.

Billie POV

I stand up and sigh, looking back at Jordan one last time before leaving the room.

What happened all of a sudden that she thinks of herself that way? Everything was fine all the time. Like, what on earth?

I feel like I am loading you down with my negativity.

That's what she said to me.

"Billie! Finally!" My dad says, grabbing me by the arms and leading me to back of the stage.

He starts wiring me as I just stare out to the crowd, thinking about my girlfriend drifting off into self-hatred.

First trust issues, then this. What's next?
You know what? I don't even want to find out.

Maybe I am the bad influence in her life.

"Okay, you're all set. Have fun out there." My dad says, kissing my head and waiting for me to wander off.

The countdown in my little ear buds starts and I make my way out on stage.

Everyone starts cheering but I can barely hear it. My mind is too loud.

My eyes fall to the other side of the stage and onto Jordan's magnificent face. A tear trickles down her cheek.