𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐮𝐞 - 𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐮𝐯𝐞𝐬

(EXPLANATION)

HUGE tw for this part.

first of all, thank you again for reading.

second of all, i'd like to explain a little bit about what this book means to me.

i do this thing where i project myself onto my characters. usually it's by accident, but jiwoo is directly based off of me and my own experiences. i started this story as a way to explain and cope with some of the things that have happened to me.

the first time anyone tried something sexual with me was when i was 8 and they were 16. then somebody else when i was 12. and then a couple of people when i was 13. and then 3 years nonstop where at least once a week i was pressured or forced into something i didn't want to do. i once told a girl 'no' and she was so angry with me that she grew out her nails for the next time she saw me. she made me bleed and i've never experienced something that hurt that badly. when i started crying she put a pillow over my face and told me to shut up because somebody might hear me. i was 15 at the time. i've been choked, punched, slapped, cut, and restrained by people who couldn't take "no" for an answer. every single one of these people knew i'm asexual, and they cared more about themselves than me, so they forced me into sexual acts knowing it wasn't something i ever wanted.

i've tried not to get too graphic in this book, and i'm trying not to be too graphic here, either, just in case i might accidentally trigger any of you. i know i'm not the only person who can relate to jiwoo, and i hope if you can too that you can find something to help you cope the way this story has helped me.

by giving my life to jiwoo, i separated myself from my trauma. i'm far more merciful to jiwoo than i am to myself. i can't blame myself for what happened to me when i was 8, and i shouldn't blame myself for what happened to me when i was 13. i was groomed by a 17 year old, and only now that i'm 17 i look back and realise just how fucked up that was. at the time, it didn't scare me. but now i realise that i was a child and i didn't understand i was being preyed on. i can't fault myself for being a naive kid.

so i don't push the blame on jiwoo. what happened to her wasn't her fault. and by saying it wasn't her fault, i remind myself that it wasn't my fault. i think by giving jiwoo a happy ending and having her grow as a person, i'm setting up for the kind of change i want to see in my own life. she learns to trust other people and to value herself and to rely on others.

since beginning this story, i've told my parents a bit about what happened to me. i spare them the details because i know it would hurt them even more. and i realised that i was right, i made jiwoo open up and it allowed her to start coping. i talked to my parents and so much guilt lifted off my shoulders. i hope i can continue to grow the way jiwoo did, and i hope i can give myself a happy ending with as much mercy as i gave to her.

if you read all the way to the end, thank you. i've been so encouraged by all of the comments where you guys are outraged by what happens to jiwoo and you say it's not her fault. reading them helps me feel like it's not my fault, either. jiwoo is flawed, but she improves, and i hope to do the same. thank you for being with me on this journey. i still have a long way to go, but by just saying something i've opened a door for myself to start moving forward in my life. i love you all and i'm so grateful for you

<3 cas