Vampire Kisses

Journal of When we Parted {1}

[Kokichi is the first one after the day, then Shuichi's part comes after]

Day 1- I don't feel so bad about this. Sure I miss him already, but it isn't forever and I will keep telling myself that. I need to remember right? The morning was overall okay, but god the idea of sleeping alone in a bed by myself makes my whole body shudder. I pretended that you were there with me sleeping in your jacket with your blanket over my shoulders. That sounds more lonely than I intended for it to be...god I can't even believe we have to do this for 152 days, 3,648 hours, 218,880 minutes, 13,132,800 seconds..I am already driving myself crazy. I was able to draw a bit today and watch some cartoons with Anaki to calm me down a bit and it helped for the most part...but not much.

I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to watch you go away while I was stuck here with Kurai. I don't hate him...but I can't say I feel comfortable being here alone with him...well no, Kyoko is taking a few weeks off so she can be here to try to help me feel more comfortable. It helped a bit to have her there as well..but having him here just makes me feel angry remembering all the times that he hurt us, all the times he hurt my baby. I just always have a headache and pretending that this pain that comes with you being gone doesn't hurt me constantly...It doesn't ever work. I hate that I am causing you to feel this lonely...but when we get back I won't leave your side.

Day 2- Thank you for that Sia-Chan. It made me feel a bit better hearing Syn read that to me. I love you and I will do the same when you get back love. I woke up this morning in tears, not that I know why...well I know why. Because you aren't here beside me...I know I need to be able to get over this, but it is going to be very difficult. I love being able to draw with Anaki and make flower crowns because there are many wild flowers outside. It takes some work, but it's fun to do. I felt for a moment that I was happy spending time with them, but on the inside all I could think of is you. You are in my thoughts constantly. I love you so much Shuichi and god it hurts me so badly to be away from you.

I am glad you are having fun love, but I do apologize that thoughts of me end up spoiling the fun. But know that I want you to have fun with them while we are apart. You deserve so much, so don't ever let me take that from you. Today was hard again...thoughts were plaguing my mind making it hard to do anything today. Why do we have to do this again? Why can't I come to you? Kurai won't tell me where you are...so I know this is important and I have to stay here for the duration of these 152 days...god I miss you.

Day 3- I don't think it spoils the fun love. It just reminds me of how much more fun I could be having with you by my side. I send you all my kisses and hugs because you need some. Today wasn't that bad of a day. I made waffles with Cathy and it was super fun...I missed not having your hands around my hips and your head on my shoulder as I was making food. Sure you were concerned because of how bad my skill was or that I was going to burn the house down or something. But being able to have you there and make that food made me feel safe. I always feel safe with you...I just wish I was able to feel that from you and not just the memories. But as of now they are all I have.

I am glad that you feel the same way about me...know it kills me inside when I am unable to hold you and make you feel safe. You make me feel loved so not being with you here...is so goddamn lonely. Kurai tried to get me out of my room today, but I find it so hard to even get out of bed in the morning knowing it will be another day of being without you. Hess has been helping me combat this with showing me the good memories we have had together as I sleep and even when I wake up. It helped me get up in the morning and leave my room to get some food. I miss you.

Day 4- Imagine me there holding you love. I know you sleep better with me beside you just as I sleep better with you beside me. I felt pretty good about yesterday...but god these mood swings I have been having may end up killing me. I go from smiling and laughing with the others before feeling like crying. I'll start sobbing at random times in the day and then it makes others worried because of it. It honestly makes me feel dizzy. All these emotions I have been having, all of these emotions that have been controlling my life here...controlling everything in my mind. It makes me feel so sad...because you aren't here with me to make it better again.

Know I want to be there to help you through those, but for the time being I put my faith in Cathy and Anaki to be able to comfort you in your times of need. I got out of bed to open the window and let some sunlight in. Kyoko came into my room yesterday and told me some things I can do to deal with this depression. I didn't know it would be this bad, but at least now I know things that can help deal with it. I have to be able to calm myself down and be able to process things naturally. She said opening the window can help in times when one needs to wake up. And it helped a bit.

Day 5- You always let your loneliness get the best of you love...I want to be able to help with that when we get back darling. Today was an overall good day for me...but I mean not much to be done about that. I wish everyday for your return...but I can't and it's only day 5. I cooked some sweets with Cathy and Anaki today. It was interesting because I am almost positive that I did it incorrectly in some way. They both told me that I was doing great, but I could tell my inexperience was making them laugh a bit. It made me feel embarrassed but overall it was loving and kind like teasing from a family member.

I am glad they are able to help in that way for you. Know that I want to be able to hold you and make some food for you. But alas that won't happen for a while love. Kyoko is here for the first week, so about two more days. I am worried about when she leaves and leaves me alone with Kurai...I don't like him at all because of all the things he ended up doing to Kokichi. I know he was possessed and it wasn't him consciously making these decisions...but I still don't like the idea of having to be alone with him in this house. Kyoko also went out to get me some sleeping medication after her friend Amanda came to check in on me. She is a licensed psychiatrist and was there to help get me on some meds that would be able to help with these intense feelings of hate that made me just wanna hit something.

Day 6- I know you are not in the best mental state...so getting that help is good. I wish you the best love. And I know getting some fresh air can help a lot! We were able to go walk around the house outside to pick some more flowers! We did this so we could lighten up the house, but then right after the rain came and clouds blocked out everything. But you know the best thing about rain? Is you can always dance it in and experience the world first hand. Feel connected with nature as your clothes get soaked by the rain.

Thank you for that, and I think I will be doing so soon. Kurai was just sitting at the table making some breakfast after I finally came out of my room for the first time this morning. Kyoko left a day early but left me some pills for me to take every morning. I have been feeling better though! And I would love to dance with you in the rain.

Day 7- I am glad she did that for you. Sometimes the brain has chemical imbalances so taking pills for it is always a good way to get it balanced again. Today I was able to read a novel that we read together that one time on the couch. It made me feel safe.

I remember that love, I want to do that again with any book. I don't mind, because when you are there with me, anything is possible. Today I was able to talk to Kurai and stay out of my room for most of the day.

-Being in love can be beautiful, but it can also bring such loneliness to ones soul.-

-SK-