Journey Back To Me: Learning to live with Borderline Personality Disorder

My Family

Chapter 2 My Family

"Mother I want to be in the circus!" JayRyan told his mom as they sat down for dinner.

"Why in the hell would you want to be in the circus?" His mother asked confused, looking at him with a raised eyebrow. This nonsense came out of nowhere. His mother wants to be supportive but JayRyan always has crazy ideas and interests that never pan out.

"Because it's cool." JayRyan said nonchalantly. JayRyan giving them the "Duh" look that all teenagers have mastered.

"No." His father chimed in as he sat down next to his wife, already stressed out from work.

"I want to be a ringmaster!" JayRyan yelled.

"No." His father repeats irritated.

"Why not?" JayRyan asked, generally confused.

"Because my kid is going to be normal. You are going to go to a regular college just like everyone else!" His dad was getting louder. It was dad's word; there was no questioning what he had to say.

"I don't want to be like everyone else!" JayRyan was frustrated no one wanted to listen.

"The answer is no."

"Mom?" JayRyan looking for some reprieve—maybe he could play the "I am cute" card, or maybe Mom would be the reasonable one.

"I am sorry honey. You need to get a real job, 40 hours a week to support yourself when you graduate. You need to be realistic." She was tired of having this same conversation.

JayRyan could not believe that his parents actually agreed on something, they fight and disagree about everything.

"But I want to be a ringmaster." JayRyan insisted, becoming more confident and trying to sell himself. This was rare for him. JayRyan was the type of person to follow or fall in line, not really stand up for what he wants. He just wanted appease the situation, usually.

"Boy, listen to your mother, the answer is no. You will get a real job."

"This is bullshit!" JayRyan sighed defeated, as he finished his dinner.

"Watch your mouth," his mother reprimands.

"Eh." JayRyan shrugs them off, over this conversation already.

"Son, do not sass your mother." his father, now furious, grits through his teeth.

"Sorry." JayRyan looked down at his plate until his parents excused him from the table.

JayRyan was determined to become the most famous ringmaster there ever was to prove his parents wrong. He was not like everyone else. He knew he was unique, special, and meant to be on stage performing. He was a star and becoming the ringmaster of a circus was the way to let his light shine bright.

What do I say about my family? I mean we fight a lot, we love each other, we are quirky and weird, but who isn't, you know. We are loud and proud, only because we are all half-deaf from years of music damaging our hearing. We talk with our hands to tell our stories and become louder to prove our points in conversation. To get attention in the house, you have to yell to have the others actually hear what you have to say. I would not say we are normal by any means; we are stuck in the middle trying to make it through life without killing one another.

Living with my parents as an adult is weird because I am a thirty-year-old who cannot keep a job. I have a rough time dealing with changes and people. I have this disconnect with people and my social skills are not the best either. When I was eighteen, I lived with my aunt for two years, and the last ten years in my own apartment. However, as of late, it was getting to the point where I was not keeping a steady job, I could not pay for anything, and struggling. Depression and anxiety were affecting my daily life, so as a family, we made the decision for me to move back in with my parents. We all have some type of mental illness, and some days it is rough to live with each other. I love my parents, and would do anything for them; it is just that I feel like I am twelve again. I do not consider myself as an adult; I am still stuck in teenage land. Even though I lived on my own for twelve years I never hopped onto the adult train. My aunt made my food, helped with money, helped me with laundry, and took care of me even when I moved out. Yes, I sound spoiled and I am not going to deny that at all. I am thankful for their assistance when I asked for help. I feel like I am stuck in an adult body with a mindset of a twelve-year-old because I never learned how to be an adult. I do have a job, I make money, pay bills, own credit cards and have student loans, but mentally I am not an adult. I do not know if that is because I am mentally ill, or if I did not prepare myself enough for the real world. I feel like I have missed an integral part of life—growing up. Yes, adulting is hard and not fun, I get that, but I still have a notion I am twelve and have been there for a very long time. I am stuck with the mentality of a kid and it confuses me on how to cope.