Lying to avoid explaining the millions of conflicting emotions that dance inside, set aflame. Ringmaster is always unbalanced-not sure how to feel and heal. He never learned how to process despair, too busy to sit with the emotions, care for them, v...
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Lying in bed watching YouTube and all of a sudden, I cannot breathe. I am gasping for air, choking, trying to take a deep breath, tears streaming down my face, freaking the fuck out because I do not know what is going on. I am thinking I'm going to die, scared and body shaking, heart pounding out of my chest, sweaty clammy feeling, and adrenaline running high with extra energy I don't know what to do with. It is completely terrifying in that moment. This attack getting worse because I can't calm down, drowning in negative thoughts, trying to calm down by taking deep breaths, and getting back to a normal heart rate. I am not getting enough oxygen into my system. Still choking on air, immediate panic sets in again. I realize I cannot breathe because the snot and mucus has blocked my airflow, and the crying has caused the phlegm to settle. Coughing helps, and I finally stop crying, catching my breath, heart rate slowing. Where did this come from? What just happened? What in the hell is going on right now? So many questions that I cannot answer. It is frightening.
My first "panic attack" I can remember was in the shower. It was weird, I starting crying out of nowhere, and I was not able to breathe at a regular rate. My heart was beating so fast, it was pounding in my ears; I was having a hard time taking deep breaths. I leaned against the tile to stabilize myself. I did not want to slip and be like the life alert commercial: I have fallen and cannot get up. The panic attack did not last very long, and I was confused about what was happening. I do not remember what I was even thinking about when it happened. I finally stopped crying enough to finish washing my hair, and get out of the shower. I dried off, got dressed, and went about my day as if nothing had happened. I did not say anything to anybody. At this time in my mental health discovery, I never labeled them as panic attacks. It was just a weird moment in time where fleeting thoughts passed through my mind to cause chaos. Now as the years pass, the stress and anxiety become worse and the panic attacks are becoming harder to control or harder to get myself together after in a timely fashion. The pieces have fallen apart and I have to glue them back together.
While sitting on a beach lounger, sunbathing at my apartment's pool, I had another panic attack. I was internally freaking out because this was my first one in public. I felt claustrophobic even though I was in this outside open space. My heart was beating fast, hurting when I breathed, so of course I thought the worst: I was dying. I kept contemplating if I needed to call 911 or just try to relax. More panic set in because I was trying to breathe normally and not draw attention to myself. I sat up thinking that will help; well it did not, so I lay back down. That made it worse, so I sat back up again. I was a right mess playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" in my chair. I stayed sitting up until the panic attack finally ran its course. My heartbeat slowed to a normal pace, and I caught my breath. I was back to normal, and my world was right again. However, I had no idea what the hell was going on, and why in the world it had started. I was just trying to sunbathe for Pete's sake.
