Journey Back To Me: Learning to live with Borderline Personality Disorder

Foreword

Foreword

It was my daughter's 6th year birthday party. My initial thoughts were that she was just embarrassed to have all these people over at our house, fussing over her. I was kind of like that as a kid, but this moment caught my attention. It was time to open gifts so we all gathered around her while I was taking pictures. She climbed up on the couch and my wife started handing her gifts to unwrap. She folded her arms grumpily and stayed in that position for a while. No matter how hard her mother and I tried, she just would not open her gifts.

At first, I was a little annoyed. My boss's wife gave her a look like, "What's wrong with you?" It was quite uncomfortable to say the least. Our guests slowly made their way back into the dining room and kitchen area and continued with the party. Jessica just sat there on the couch, arms folded; she looked miserable. Her mother and I were a little embarrassed ourselves. We certainly wanted our guests to know that we appreciated their gifts. I kept looking over at my daughter. She looked so sad; it broke my heart.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Was this a sign that something was wrong, and we missed it? What could we have done? So many little things fall under the radar. Jessica was a little socially awkward, but she was a good kid. She was kind and she loved her family.

Growing up is hard. It is hard for most kids, and that was especially true for Jess. Middle school was a nightmare. Her peers bullied her incessantly. Day after day, the name calling never stopped. Her mother would cry at night, wondering why these certain kids had to be so mean. She was a square peg in a round hole world. In addition, even after all those years of bullying and feeling all alone in this cruel world, she still cared. Carrying on with this burden, she knew there were other kids out there that were going through the same hell as her.

It was Jessica's teenage years that she started writing poetry. That is when I saw that spark of happiness. Reading those words, you could feel the pain, but you could equally feel the strength. There was a fighter deep down in that soul of hers. With that fighting spirit, she was not going to let anyone beat her down. She began to paint, and take amazing black and white photos with her 35mm camera. I was so proud of her. To me, it was as if she was telling the world, "You can knock me down, but I will always stand back up!"

When the psychiatrist first diagnosed her with BPD, in some way it was a relief. Not that any parent would want to hear that their child is suffering from a mental disorder, but at least it now had a name. It had a face, and we could cope with it head-on.

Jessica had told me years before that she wanted to write a book about her experiences. I always believed she could do anything if she put her mind to it, and I knew that by writing this book, she, in some way would be her own therapist. The process of writing and reliving these painful memories would help her deal with her BPD.

In the end, she would come out the other side, shining like the diamond she was born to be.

Tom Komisar

8-28-2019