Online Diary

2/21/21

Two 21's! Today's date is nice!!

Hi hiii! I'm sort of emotionally unstable right now!

My friend J came over today! I've mentioned her before, maybe as L? Idk, but she goes by she/her pronouns now instead of they/them, so that's cool. It was from 12am - 3:45pm, cuz she needed to be home by 4 to have time to do schoolwork before getting to her job. She's surprisingly responsible! We talked, had lunch, played Minecraft, then went on a walk. I enjoyed it.

It's around 5pm right now. The issue that I'm writing about is my English assignment.

For some backstory, each week my teacher assigns an AOW (Article of the Week). I need to read it, annotate it, then write a one page argument about it using one of 2 or 3 prompts he gives us. They're due on Fridays. This is only AOW4, so I have another 14 of these to look forwards to! Yay! 

...Except, not yay. I fuckin hate these things.

It's not the reading or annotating that I have issues with, it's the writing a one page thing responding to the prompt. It's not even that writing one page is hard; I've written much more with less info (maybe? I could be lying lol). It's just that his prompts are utter trash, and for some reason it's never easy for me to write about!! I can never turn these in on time!!! My brain just fucking hates all the stuff he's giving me for some reason! It's at the point where I like my math class more than my English class, and I hate math!! 

I don't even know why I hate the assignments! For example, last week I got to write about how much I hate capitalism, and I love talking about that! ore specifically, I was writing about why capitalism is bad. But for some reason, I still couldn't get that in on time. I still haven't quite identified the issue; this is something I need to talk to my therapist about. It might be that I don't really like doing research, or that I'm having to put more efforts into my arguments than I used to, but I don't know if that's it. Until I know the source of the problem, I'm just forced to struggle through in a not-so-effective way. And now, I'm at a complete standstill.

What I mean by that, is that it's 5pm on Sunday, it was due on Friday, and I've got literally not one word down. I haven't a clue what to talk about, or how to bullshit through, and it's really frustrating. I know I should talk to my teacher about it, but I've already sent him an email last week, and I feel uncomfortable sending another. I feel like it's too late to ask him for help. I also don't know how to ask; I don't know what the issue is. I feel like I'd just be making excuses or something. 

So now I have something that I literally cannot do, and I really want to ignore it, but my anxiety is on full throttle like ohmygodimgonnafailmylifeisruined and I'm just sitting here like 'chill' but also 'oh my god.' So I'm not having a great time. The fact that I don't know what's causing it is also giving me anxiety; I'm searching for reasons, like maybe I've got some form of executive dysfunction and that's why, or maybe my (could be?) depression is acting up or some shit, but part of me is also thinking I'm lazy which I know is incorrect. My main coping strategy is distraction, but my anxiety can not (and should not) put this off any longer without resolving something. 

I just wish I knew what was wrong. 

Also, I'm probably not having a panic attack or something right now, I'm just frustrated and upset. The coping mechanisms I would normally use right now (ie. distraction, or making a step-by-step plan) don't work so well right now because I can't identify the issue, which means I can't find a solution or something that would help. I plan to email my teacher and just be honest with him, but in the meantime I'm just left here, stressing. 

I sure hope I can find out why this is happening, because I can't just get excused from these, and if I can't I'm sort of fucked. Wish me luck!

After I write him an email, I'm gonna do my math quiz :) It should be easy.

Remember to drink some water, and eat a meal if you haven't yet/in a while. Have a good day/night!

Luv you <3